Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, “I was cleaning the Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!” “What did you do?” the other nuns asked. “Well, of course I threw them in the trash.” The second nun said, ” Well, I can top that, I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!” “Oh my!” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?” they asked. “I poked holes in all of them,” she replied. The third nun said, “Oh shit!” 

I meet a lot of strippers, and they always say the same thing: I’m paying my way through medical school. Now, if that’s the truth, why is that you never meet a doctor that used to be a stripper? Youd think they’d be everywhere.

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said: “We’ve been waiting a long time for you.” What do you mean he replied: “I’m only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?” “45? You’re not 45, you’re 82” replied the angel. “Wait a minute. If you think I’m 82 then you have the wrong guy. I’m only 45. I can show you my birth certificate.” “Hold on. Let me go check” said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. “Sorry, but by our records you *are* 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82 …”