A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

I know a surgeon who puts organs back in upside down. He says it’s an inside joke.

Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied, “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”

Q. Why were Adam and Eve the happiest couple that’s ever lived? A. Because they didn’t have in-laws!

Ok! Yes! I went to my old girlfriend’s house last night! It’s my job!

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company’s production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.

The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. ‘This,’ he said, ‘is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it.’

A smart-aleck who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, ‘Where is my father?’

There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: ‘Fishing off Florida.’ The smart-aleck laughed, ‘Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question.’

The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.

The smart-aleck said to the Ultimate Computer, ‘Where is my mother’s husband?’ Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.

After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, ‘Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.’

A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes. ‘Darling, how I’ve missed you!’ The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, ‘Whoa there woman, the contract was until death!’