The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage. 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away. 2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. 3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you 4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him. 6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead. 7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

Passenger to Airline Ticket Agent: I want my brown suitcase sent to Los Angeles, my green suitcase sent to Kansas City, and my tan suitcase sent to New Orleans. Ticket Agent: I’m sorry, sir; this flight is to Nashville. We can’t do that. Passenger: Why not ? You did it last time.

After church, little Johnny and his brother go ice fishing. Little Johnny starts drilling on the ice when a voice from above says, “Young man, there’s no fish down there.” Little Johnny asks his brother, “Who is that?” His brother replies, “I don’t know.” So little Johnny starts to drill again and the voice says again, “For the second time, there’s no fish down there.” Little Johnny asks his brother, “Could that be God?” His brother replies again, “I don’t know.” Little Johnny starts drilling again and the voice says once more, “Young man, for the last time, I’m telling you there’s no fish down there.” Johnny looks up and asks, “Is that you, God?” The voice says, “No, I’m the manager and the rink’s closed.”