An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.” At that Statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweller said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.” The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. “I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.” “I know,” said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?” Don’t mess with Old People.

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an green envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. It was addressed, “Dad”. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mum and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Mariel and she is so nice – even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion dad, she’s pregnant and Mariel said that we will be very happy. Even though you don’t care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. Mariel taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Mariel can get better; she sure deserves it! Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your son, Tom PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked: “If our chute doesn’t open; and the reserve doesn’t open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?” The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: “The rest of your life.”

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed and driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball.” The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.” “Forget it, you don’t stand a chance of hitting your wife from here.”