You might want someone to have dinner with, go away for the weekend or share a bed with, without wanting to share your house. You might be ready to meet somebody, while your adult children are struggling with the idea. Or you might dread starting again after decades with one person.

Dating after divorce or the death of a partner brings questions that go beyond where to meet someone. Psychotherapist and couples counsellor Biannka Brannigan suggests starting with what you want this time around, before assuming it has to look like your previous relationship.

“Maybe we never want to live with someone again,” she says. “Sure, we can have sleepovers, but we aren’t living together”

It is an example of a boundary someone might choose. Companionship, sex and commitment do not have to mean giving up the home or independence you enjoy.

“Do I want a companion, or do I want a partner?” Brannigan asks, describing the questions people bring to her after loss. Some want company, while others want a relationship that might eventually include living together.

The worries differ depending on how your previous relationship ended. After divorce, people may fear “falling into the same relational patterns”. After bereavement, they may wonder whether they could love somebody else, or how someone new could fit into their established family.

Before worrying about how long you should wait, Brannigan suggests considering what you hope a relationship will add to your life.

“What sort of relationship do you want? How do you want to feel?” she says. “What’s a hard no or a hard yes for you?”

Look back at what you loved about your last relationship, what you would like to do differently and what you are unwilling to repeat.

“We’re really good at consciously creating our careers, our finances,” Brannigan says. Questions about what we want from relationships often receive less attention.

Loneliness can make that reflection harder when somebody begins paying you attention.

“When we’re lonely, we can make choices that are not aligned necessarily with our values,” she says.

Giving yourself time to get to know someone helps you consider whether the connection fits the life you want.

If a first date feels daunting, Brannigan recommends joining groups or attending group dinners to meet people without the pressure of assessing a potential partner over a one-on-one meal.

“Create friendships first,” she says. “It’s more about meeting people and getting to know people rather than the pressure of meeting someone individually.”

Once you start dating, look for green flags as well as red ones. Do they follow through on plans, take an interest in your life and leave you feeling confident about where you stand?

Brannigan describes a healthy connection as one with “follow-up and follow through”, where “people are true to their word”. There is curiosity on both sides, and you can enjoy thinking about them while getting on with your life.

She also acknowledges love bombing, saying it “can feel great”. However, her focus with clients is on paying attention to their responses and considering what might be behind anxiety or discomfort.

“Is this an old pattern, or is this something in my environment right now that just doesn’t feel right?” she suggests asking.

Feeling anxious does not automatically mean someone is wrong for you. Slowing down gives you time to consider whether previous experiences are making trust difficult or whether their behaviour concerns you.

Brannigan also cautions against confusing good boundaries with rigidity. Deciding you are too old to change, or that a partner must accept everything about you, may deserve examination.

“Sometimes that rigidity is protection, and it’s protecting us from vulnerability,” she says.

Trust takes time. “We don’t know that about people until we get to know them,” she says of learning whether someone will treat what matters to us with care.

Sex can bring its own nerves after years with one person or without physical intimacy. Brannigan encourages discussing expectations, needs and vulnerabilities, rather than expecting either person to guess.

She sees couples with active sex lives well into their 70s. What matters, she says, is “that those conversations are happening between people”. If difficulties persist, she recommends seeking professional support you feel comfortable with.

Adult children’s concerns also deserve more than a reminder that you can make your own decisions. Brannigan encourages parents to hear what their children are worried about.

“Adult children have wisdom, and they have pain,” she says.

Asking them to explain gives you something concrete to discuss. Are they struggling to see you with anyone new, or concerned about something this person has said or done? Listening allows you to consider their perspective, rather than assuming you know why they object.

Brannigan recommends getting curious while explaining what you hope a relationship will bring to your life.

“Sometimes kids can forget that their parents are also people,” she says. “Those views don’t need to be the authority on how we progress in life.”

She suggests considering whether you can pursue the relationship in a way that respects your children’s feelings without abandoning it.

For a new partner entering the family, her advice is “listen more, say less”. Get to know the children and, after bereavement, make room for the parent who died in conversation.

“Tell me about them,” she suggests asking. “I want to know who they were, and I will never try and replace them.”

You can also decide dating is not for you. Family, friendships and interests may provide the connection you want, and choosing to stay single now does not stop you changing your mind later.

If you do go on that first date, remember its outcome is not a verdict on you. It might go badly or well, Brannigan says, “but it is no reflection on who you are and what you  have to offer the world.”

For more information about Biannka Brannigan and her work with individuals and couples, visit biannkabrannigan.com