The best of 2016: The crazy stuff older ladies do

I’m becoming increasingly pissed off at the way women over 50, or in my case, women 60 and over, i.e. OLD LADIES are treated.

The fashion industry sucks when it comes to older women. I’m not talking haute couture – let’s face it, the great majority of us cannot afford the complex, largely hand constructed clothing items that is only within arm’s reach of wealthy society chicks and trashy celebrities.

Mass-market fashion is geared toward youth. How often do you see older women modelling today’s clothing? The fashion industry seems to think any woman over 40 is ready for embellished sweatshirts and elastic-waist, ill-fitting pants. Where’s the respect?

Old lady friends – have you tried to find a really cute, on-trend skirt or dress recently? Yeah. I thought so. You need a complete wax job on your origin of the world in order to even sit down in one of those shorter-than-hooker bottoms!

Most of us would need a complete wax job just to be able to sit in a short skirt. The mass-market fashion industry has to get the “woman-as-hooker” visual from their pea-sized brains! Start producing more refined clothing – and not just geared for young women!

Cosmetics companies are another bone of contention. I’m a makeup junkie. I’m also entering into my 61^st birth year. I spend far more (of Bonaparte’s) money on cosmetics and beauty products than younger women do because I need them to enhance the features that were once, well, kind of pretty. No matter how many creams and lotions I apply to my dry-as-the-Sahara face, nothing short of a face lift and fillers are going to bring back the youthful dewy complexion that once was mine. So don’t even give me your false advertising. I’m too sage and wise to fall for it. Stop using 20 year old models to advertise anti-ageing. And STOP with the “anti-ageing” label for crissakes! Your creams will help smooth lines for a bit and hydrate, but they ain’t gonna stop the ageing process!

THIS is an ageing face. Blotchy. Some wrinkles. Jowels. No fillers. No makeup. THIS is an ageing face that uses creams and lotions. And the majority of women who use those creams and lotions look more like me when they wake up, not the photoshopped model with makeup!

Society in general just treats us like old cows to be sent to pasture. Corporations do NOT want to hire us because of our age – and anyone who doesn’t believe that is a moron! It is true. We are overlooked and ignored in the workforce.

We old ladies don’t like the way we’ve been treated.

But – here’s some shit that old ladies do – so read along and if you are younger, give your mum a kiss and a hug and appreciate the genes she passed down to you. If you are an older male blogger, tell your woman how beautiful she is and treat her like the princess she should be treated as. If you are in the cosmetics or fashion industry, take a good look at your older buyers and start to cater to them. If you are in corporate HR or a hiring manager, I cannot even print what I think about you.

Anyway, here’s some good shit that old ladies do:

Old ladies buy bras and underwear from Victoria’s Secret. Sure we may not look like the VS Angels, but the underwire bras, along with the chicken cutlets we insert give our saggy girls some well-needed lift at a far less expensive price point than a tit job. Old ladies also wear thongs. Panty line has no age limit. And yet, some of us old ladies love to go commando at times!

Old ladies do the bouncy-bouncy. Some old ladies do it with old men. Other old ladies do it with younger men. There are the old ladies who do it with other old ladies and some who even do it with younger women. And some older women do the bouncy-bouncy by themselves – sometimes when you gotta do it right, you gotta do it yourself

Old ladies wear skinny jeans. From Old Navy Rock Star jeans to the higher end Paige jeans. That’s right: we be rockin’ the well-rounded old lady booty in those tight denims. I’m shakin’ my groove thang. How about you?

I am an old lady. I rock the skinny jeans. Here I am rocking my Gap skinny jeans with pewter Ivanka Trump pointy-toed pumps, a brown GAP belt and a crisp white button down shirt from Ann Taylor. I think the look is nice and classic. It is a look that can be worn on women of ALL ages!

My old lady booty can shake and groove just as much, if not better than, my younger peers!

Old ladies love their bar drinks just as much as young ladies do. Young ladies refer to it as “drinking”. Older, more mature women refer to the beverages as “cocktails”. It’s more refined. You can learn a thing or two about refinement from an older woman!

Old ladies do style so well!

This old lady can multi-task the Hermes scarf! One day a headband and the next day a most excellent and stylish cover for hiding turkey neck – and more budget friendly than a neck lift!

Old ladies do love music – all genres – especially classic rock. Give us a few cocktails and we’ll be hittin’ that air guitar better than any 20 year old boy!

Old ladies do have fun with cosmetics!

That’s right. Just a small sampling of the many cosmetics in the makeup room of a typical 60!

More Naked by Urban Decay – this is the smoky palette

See how lovely my old lady eyes turned out this morning?

Marc Jacobs contour and highlighting powder duo. This is greatness. My colour is 40!

Contouring is great because it slims down my face – and after all the weight I gained, I’m so happy that something on me looks thinner!

Old ladies do love to style their hair-whether it’s their real hair or fake hair! It’s all fun!

All made up and styling my REAL hair today! All I do is finger comb and then tease it a bit on top. 

… and some days, I just want to wear fake hair!

Old ladies can curse better than a member of an inner city gang. Just ask anyone who knows me!

Some old ladies do smoke. I’m jealous. Seriously. If I were not such a hypochondriac and afraid of getting sick, and if cigarettes didn’t cause wrinkles, and if cigarettes were not so expensive, I would be smoking like a steam pipe! Smoking would curb my ravenous appetite. If I have an 80th birthday, I want a pack of Marlboro Lights and a bottle of Jack Daniels to celebrate!

Old ladies do get manicures and pedicures. They like to take care of their hands and feet!

These feet look a lot younger than their age. That’s because I don’t wear socks in the winter. Bare is the way to go… all year!

Old ladies do run for President – and hopefully one WILL be President!

Old ladies (and old men) do eat dinner later, much later than 4pm in the afternoon. Please get that straight. We appreciate fine dining and fine wine. The majority of us do NOT go to Country Buffet for the early bird special!

No early bird special for THIS old lady and Bonaparte! We start a late dinner off with a fine wine!

Old ladies do like to watch cool TV shows.

Old ladies do love to wear those heels and wear them well. We do love our ballet flats too—but make sure they are good ones — like Repettos!

Old ladies do love a good retro look. Miniskirts, boots and the long coat. Honey’s we started that look way back in the late 1960’s through the early 1970’s. It is not a new look.

One of my favourite looks since I was a junior in high school. Over-the-knee boots, black tights, grey mini (from Banana Republic) Black turtleneck (Old Navy), Brown Belt (Gap), Brown long coat (which I stole from Bonaparte — he got it in France many years ago. It’s mine now)

God may have created women, but Bardot created that iconic big, teased, messy, I-just-rolled-out-of-bed hair and look.  I’m channeling it in a black-and-white, new wave French film kinda way!

Basically, old ladies do the same shit that everyone else does — so don’t exclude us!