This confronting blog is part two of a two-part series. You can read part one here. This blog is about raising awareness of a situation many are too afraid to talk about. It may be distressing to some readers.
Firstly I am a very private person, who regrets causing any harm with sharing my plight, I wish I had never done it, I was always taught, private things should be private things.
I have carefully read all of the replies; it worries me to think that I am not alone. However a few have missed the plot, with talk of downsizing, using less, etc. We have lost everything, no house, no super, nothing, only renting which we can no longer afford, our old car my wife drives is not insured, and I fear for her every time she travels in it.
Let me start by saying that I am not a ‘misery guts’, far from it. The people that I know and deal with, know I have a positive, carefree attitude, always smiling; and ready for a laugh. My friends and family have no idea of the boiling depth of despair that swirls internally like some huge volcano, trying to erupt, controlling my every breath and heartbeat, which at times races uncontrollably.
They do not see my hands shaking in fear or the tears that fall when I am in the shed, in the garden, or alone.
No one sees the long dark hours of the night as I lay awake, just shaking my head from side to side, like some painted clown at the show.
This includes my wonderful wife who knows full well of our predicament and for some strange reasons, trusts me to find a way out of it.
(Although most times I can only see one.)
I agree that positive thinking is fine, but when my wife wants to go and have a coffee with someone, and we do not have $4 so that she is able. All of the happy thoughts, positive attitude in the world, even changing my blood group to ‘B positive’, will not work; will not change the deep pain, twisting like a knife in my stomach, seeing her trembling lips, and deep breath, as she says, “Well, maybe I can go next month.”
This was my point. This is probably inconceivable to some of you, who are reading this, but it happens.
A few years ago I would have thought it inconceivable as well.
You may also find it inconceivable that we went from Tuesday to Friday with not a cent to our name, nothing in the bank, nothing for food, or milk, nothing, fortunately, we had food in the freezer, veggies in the garden and enough milk for my wife’s tea.
This is the level of despair that I and I feel others out there face, sometimes daily.
What can we do about it? “Nobody cares.”
In reading some of the replies, about get out of your rut, and be positive, change your attitude e.t.c. I whole heartily agree with them. When we see on TV, the celebrities, sporting people and the well to do, claim they are suffering from depression and break downs, my wife just shakes her head, “If we could only tell them the depths of my depression, they would wake up to themselves.”
Let them walk in my shoes.
If you could just spend a moment to walk in my shoes, which are nailed to the floor, you would realise that you can’t take the first step, to raise you’re sole.
(Sorry about that, but it is true.)
Our children know that I have no work, but they have their own lives, children and expenses. I cannot burden them with me being a loser, with my inability to handle things, to get a job and with my failures. They see me as the stable one, growing my veggie garden, taking photos, playing with grandkids etc. Why should I break their heart with our plight? Isn’t two broken hearts enough?
Again thank you all, I am sorry that you have had to suffer the agony of my story, perhaps it is too late for me, but just perhaps it may help others out there. Others who have the dark clouds of poverty, worry and depression building in their world, remember you can turn your face to the sun, you should go and seek help before it is too late, don’t give up, you can get through it.
To the men over 60 who read the headlines, ‘Brave men save lives.’
Be brave, the life that you save may be your own; please seek help, if not for yourself for your families sake.