What pisses me off: Coffee addiction, Twitter and barking dogs 0

What pisses me off


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Christine’s back with her hilarious list of things that piss her off!

1. My addictive behaviour coupled with my constant cravings for coffee and chocolate are more than I can take. It sounds dramatic but it’s true: it is wreaking havoc with my body. A naturopath said I am full of acid. I said, oh I know I am full of something, and a lot of people must have also realised because I get told “you are so full of it” quite a lot. She told me to stop drinking coffee and cut back on the chocolate, I threw my head back and laughed at her ridiculous suggestion. I cannot communicate on a socially acceptable level and be my delightful self without coffee. I agreed to try and stop drinking Barista Bros Iced Coffee, even though I only drink one a day, OK two a day, maybe three but only when an exceptional amount of people are pissing me off!

The only chocolate I eat is Pineapple Lumps. When I am stressed I reach into my 44 gallon drum and grab one, and the problems of my world disappear and I enjoy the delightful hit of pineapple. They are like a little square of heaven wrapped in chocolate. I asked if she had any more good news and she said I had to find different ways to handle my stress levels. I have different ways but most of them are illegal and that’s why I reach for coffee and chocolate, at that point I knew if she said I had to give up sarcasm, my only means of communication would be through interpretive dance moves.

2. In my efforts to try and keep up with the wonders of the internet I decided to try Twitter again, after all everybody from The Pope to Bette Midler is sending out tweets. I can’t imagine what the Pope would want to tweet, he might be drumming up business, maybe online confessionals, as long as you don’t confess anything that warrants more than a 140 character reply. I read a lot of tweets from different celebrities, Bette Midler is very entertaining, Kim Carcrashian’s tweets were mind numbingly boring. I could eat a tin of alphabet spaghetti and pass a better statement than she tweeted. Does anybody know how to delete the account?

3. One of the neighbours was dog sitting a big and beautiful black dog but it had a bark that would wake the dead. I knew I was going to have a bad day when Cujo kept waking me through the night with persistent barking, such a shame it is socially unacceptable to yell obscenities out of the bedroom window at 2 in the morning. But in my defence I was just yelling what other neighbours were thinking…

Do any of these things piss you off too?

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Christine Massey

I am a 61-year-old dysfunctional child of a problem mother. I tend to look at the world with the philosophy "Laugh hard, you could be dead tomorrow!"

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