The art of toenail cutting

Have you, like me, noticed that your toes are a lot further away from you now than they used to be? It has to be that, doesn’’t it? I used to reach them very easily when they needed their nails trimming or their own private little scrub while I was standing in the shower. But over the years they have gradually and slyly moved away from me, especially recently, until I now have to use a pair of those special long handled nail scissors to cut them, an unsatisfactory solution because you need to hold the appropriate toe with one hand while you trim with the other. And let’’s face it: if you’’re using those special scissors to do the job, it stands to reason that the other hand isn’t going to be long enough to do the holding!

The result is that you have to use the end of the scissors to gently move the toe you want into the right position and then try to quickly trim the nail before the whole digit slides craftily back to its position hiding behind the one next door. This only has to occur a few times, before you lose your cool and slash at the nail before it can move, usually imparting severe wounds on other parts of your feet!

Another even more annoying problem that develops with older age is that the toenails, especially those on the fifth little toe seem to grow thick, rather than longer! Try cutting them with the long-handled scissors and the nail, being tougher than the blades, makes them bend out of alignment and almost rip the nail out of its nerve-rich socket, the result being agony, but the offending nail still remains firmly attached to your foot and the scissors are only fit for the rubbish bin.

There are several other options that can be employed of course. One is to use an ordinary pair of nail clippers (the large variety), take a deep breath and force your body to bend far enough so that you can just barely, reach the site with this small tool. As you do this, you can feel the pressure soaring inside your head and all your internal organs squirming in agitation, while you make a quick grab for the nail and squeeze, hoping you hit your target, but unable to tell because of your proximity to unconsciousness making you go momentarily blind! This method works occasionally!

Another way out of your problem is to get your husband/wife/partner to do the cutting for you. You sit grandiosely in a nice arm chair, leg stretched out on a convenient pouf, while the ‘cutter’ crouches in front of you, like some acolyte kneeling before a cult leader, appealing for the right of membership. I know for a fact that not a lot of partners are prepared to help out in this kind way!

Then of course, there is the professional approach. You can go to your local health service and make an appointment to see the podiatrist and, unless you’’re a full blown pensioner, you pay about $80 for the privilege of each visit! I haven’’t tried this yet, but I understand from friends that poor old pensioners like me just pay a $75 initial registration fee and from there on it’’s free. The trouble is, I’’d feel somehow a little daft, going to the hospital just to get my nails cut and having to admit that I can’’t manage it myself – I do have a little pride left, for what it’s worth!

So there you have it: just another of the prices we have to pay for the good fortune of living longer and bending less. As I said at the beginning, I’’m still not quite convinced that the problem isn’t actually caused by the fact that our feet grow further away from us in the passing years, much like the lobes of our ears continuing to grow, along with the bulbous bit on the end of our noses!

Do you have trouble cutting your toenails? How do you do it? Or do you let them grow on and on? Share your stories below!