Oh no, it’s swimsuit shopping time!

There is something weird about the lurid lighting in the change rooms of most dress shops. It makes my already pallid flesh look like uncooked tripe – complete with ripples and bumps.

There I am pulling up a cossie over my knickers (hygiene you know, you never know whose crotch was there last) and then I am pulling and pushing bits of my anatomy into what was last year’s size – oops, think I need the next size up, they must be making them smaller (yeah right! – dream on).

I’ve pulled the sucker up, tucked in my 61-year-old boobs and pulled in my tum. There is nothing I can do about the bulge of thigh and bum which is escaping the leg area. More tugging, more pulling. I thought black was slimming. They lied. As for my tuck shop lady arms, I could weep. All those upright rows at the gym have made the top of them look like Madonna’s but underneath they ripple like the surf at my local beach.

Turn this way, then that. Hmmm. Take off glasses, yes looks better blurred. Maybe if I tie a sarong and drop it at the water’s edge and then dash into the water without looking around. Why does my skin look so yellow? Do I have jaundice, no it’s those damned lights. O.K., back view – ugh, quick turnaround back to front view. Not much better. Fake tan might help, but I always look like an escapee from a carrot farm – no matter how much pre-tan exfoliation, it still settles into the craters and sticks to any dark blemish on my skin, therefore screaming to the world “She doesn’t know how to put on fake tan!”; what a failure.

Already tired of all the requirements of being a full time beauty devotee, I have pretty much given up and minimised the whole routine. I am not going to start getting sprayed with a fake tan hose any time soon. And oh my God, what is that shadow? Oops – need to mow the lawn and clip the edges, if you women get my meaning. Oh the bloody tyranny of womanhood.

Think those Victorian women had the right idea with their neck to knee cossies. Shall I buy it? There is 30 per cent off today, perhaps it will do. It has been over 30 degrees for a week and the beach is calling, and the last one has literally perished into a shapeless parody of its former lycra glory. Hmm, perhaps we can go in after dark, but isn’t that when the sharks are around?

I walk to the counter with the larger than last year size under my arm. I live near one of the most beautiful beach areas in the world. In a few weeks I won’t give a damn and will be diving into those beautiful blue waves having hopefully forgotten the trauma of swimsuit shopping. A solution? Perhaps a neck to knee burqa in swim safe spandex or a rashie and boardies. The rashie and boardies win. Sun protection and practicality the victor and I can leave the cossie shopping until this time again next year and just enjoy the beach.

Do you have a swimsuit you always wear? Or do you dislike going to the beach or pool? Is it hard to find one that fits? Tell us below.