My crazy wardrobe malfunctions 84



View Profile

I had on a pretty new dress and as I strolled up the street to do some shopping, I thought that I must look quite nice as people were looking at me and smiling. It did seem to be a slightly breezy day, and as I nonchalantly gazed at my hopefully attractive image in a shop window I suddenly realised why the air seemed so fresh. Yes, you guessed it. The back of my frock was tucked into my undies and my rubenesque bum and thighs were all on display for the world to see. Thank God I had on respectable undies, the sort you could have an accident in. I quickly yanked the offending garment out of my undies and skulked away to hide somewhere. People weren’t smiling, they were sniggering. 

These sort of wardrobe malfunctions have occurred since childhood. From the crocheted bikini that drooped off my poor little naked body into the waves at Sumner beach when I was seven (leaving me embarrassed and exposed to ridicule) to the wraparound skirt that caught in a car door in Newport Beach when I had just dashed down to grab some milk. Who would have thought that forgetting to wear undies that day would be so traumatic. Then the other wraparound skirt incident in Christchurch when the icy wind whipped it up around my head exposing thank goodness this time, a natty little g string that neatly separated the toned orbs of my buttocks (I attended the gym in those days). That time I got toots and whistles, though my face did turn scarlet as I scurried into work. I don’t wear wraparound skirts any more, because of the potential danger.

Many moons ago when I was young I was breastfeeding my baby and had to leave her to attend a wedding. I borrowed a pretty posh frock with a stretchy fabric. As the afternoon wore on, I realised that my bust line was expanding, and having first sat at the table with a moderate B cup, I was now morphing into a pinup girl with a massive double D cleavage kindly accommodated by the stretchy fabric. As my husband and I looked at my chest in horror, the memory that I was a new mother re-emerged and I started to spurt breast milk. Oh, the horror of that moment. I was so embarrassed, though the elderly vicar on the other side of the table seemed to be entranced. He probably dined out on it for weeks and milked it for all it was worth (excuse the pun).

Even as a senior I still battle my clothes. Wearing white is an impossible dream. It attracts every drop and crumb, even other people’s food spills land on my whites. I have stains arrive to stay from food and substances I have never had any contact with. Sort of a reverse Bermuda triangle mystery. And why is that when I attempt to eat finger food at a function, that much of it travels down my neckline and into my bra. Handy for a snack later on I suppose. I try to streamline my gear now. No flaps, bows, buttons, straps or unnecessary openings in case I miss something and get it all out of whack. I fell down the step after tripping on my harem pants at Christmas, and I hadn’t even had a glass of wine. No wonder all of those women who live in harems stay at home waiting for the sheik, it’s too hazardous to venture out. 

And those front buttons that refuse to stay done up. I reinforce them with safety pins because they seem to burst and show my chest at the most inopportune moments. It’s hard to have a serious conversation with your bank manager when your buttons are undone. He might think you’re a bit of a risk to take on. 

I’ll finish up this sorry saga with putting my tops on inside out. This seems to happen a lot. I don’t like bright lights in the morning, so get dressed by the warm and friendly light of a lamp. That way I can come to terms with the day more gently. However, I seem to put on my tops inside out, and don’t notice until I’m out in public and once again people are gazing at me in pity. One woman came into a cafe where I was sitting at the window table and tapped me on the shoulder. She had sold me the top and reminded me gently that it looked better with the label on the inside. She looked horrified as I went to whip it off there and then to rectify the matter, but of course I didn’t do that. I remembered that I hadn’t put on my bra. Oops!

Do you have any funny stories to share like Karen’s? Let’s have a laugh today!

To write for Starts at 60 (and potentially win a $20 voucher), send your articles to our Community Editor here.

Dymocks Blogger Rewards

Karen Jones

Born in New Zealand, Karen now happily lives in the mid-north coast of New South Wales. She retired early due to ill health and now focuses on her love of walking, writing, reading and spending time with her grandchildren. With a degree in writing, Karen became a blogger and book reviewer for Starts at 60, which has enabled her passions to become enjoyable pastimes. Her recipe for bliss is a well made flat white, a friendly cat and a sea view.

  1. Your first incident with your skirt tucked into your undies in the back is EXACTLY what happened to me at a KOHL’s when the store first opened…I apparently had left my house that way in the morning and walked from my car into the store that way….As I walked past a cashier, she called to me….”MISS, MISS….” and I turned to her and said that I wasn’t ready to check out yet…..She smiled and said, well – whatever is going on behind you, needs some attention before you take another step….” Thank goodness I could laugh at mysellf! If I was much younger, I would have probably put the items down and walked out of the store….Instead, since I am no longer in my 20’s, I made the “adjustment” and finished my shopping and laughing at myself the whole time.

  2. I had gone to see my mother-in-law at her nursing home some years ago and ,I’de just seen a chiropractor, I was happily chatting with her until a nursing staff came in & told me I’de look better if I turned my T shirt right way around. To my horror I’de been walking around with it inside out.

  3. I walked through an International Airport like this…. Don’t think I have worn a dress since lol

  4. Last year about to attend a race meeting on Melbourne cup day, I felt very posh in my lovely frock and large hat so much so my husband took a photograph of me stood by my son , thank goodness he did, on viewing the photograph I noticed a large black label hanging from the lower half of the side seam ! Neither my son or husband saw it I might add

  5. In my job, teaching, it was break time and I went to the ladies. On coming out there was a lot of laughter aimed at me, I could not work out why until I turned round and noticed I had a train of toilet paper following me! Thank goodness this was still in the staff room, lol!!!

    1 REPLY
  6. The worst thing that has happened to me happened a few weeks and it was nothing compared to that problem, I wash my jumpers inside out and when they dry I turn them the right side out fold them and put them away. But I must have forgotten to turn the one I was wearing and I was in the bank and teller said, excuse me but you are wearing your jumper inside out. I just finished what I was doing and went to the ladies and turned the right way 🙂

    2 REPLY
    • This happened to me too Libi. I was on the railway station going to work when someone tapped me on the shoulder and told me that my black jumper was inside out, with the label very plainly telling all and sundry! Must have been in a hurry that morning, but it gave the others a laugh.

  7. Oh yes! That beautiful white button up blouse with the crumbs and tomato sauce spatters and the re-enforcing safety pins behind the buttons. I did once actually manage to convince a whole coach full of people my inside out top was the way it was supposed to be worn though! hehehehe 🙂

  8. He went to the toilet and hooked the toilet duck into the waistband of his jeans, at the time we owned a shop, he proceeded to walk up and down the street talking to the other proprietors. He sill gets a toilet duck every year for Xmas from the kids.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *