My battle with my mental health 47



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As far back as I can remember my life has been a constant battle to keep my mind stronger than my thought patterns. I deliberately try to stay busy so by days end I am exhausted and drop off to sleep very quickly. The mind can be very cruel, in a perfect world it would eradicate the bad traumatic memories and just keep the good ones alive. I try to lock all the bad stuff away so I can function and everything will be going great until some random little thing will trigger a bad memory. And if I do not recognise what’s happening and take immediate control I can go into a slump that will last for weeks. When things do get the better of me I feel like I am in control and everything around me is organised but when the fog lifts and my thoughts go from dark to pure and simple, and I suddenly feel like I have the energy to conquer Mount Everest, I am once again able to lock all the bad stuff away and start again.

I have never had any counselling or support for the traumatic events that have plagued my life. I was always told to “get over it”. I hate those three words; they can be so damaging to a person’s self esteem. I know I am all messed up and have been for a very long time; I have learned how to cope with day to day life.

I have been in quite a slump for the past couple of days. I am not sure why because I have been eating properly and this morning I was careful with my clothing because when I am a bit down the wrong colours can take me down further, like grey or pastels. They can have a big effect on my moods. Some family members will call me moody or cranky just because I am quiet. I don’t like being around a lot of people, I get nervous and lose my confidence so I end up standing by myself or I go outside and play with their dogs. I love dogs – they don’t judge, they love you unconditionally. I envy the people that have had a smooth ride through life, and they have found their serenity but it has always been out of my reach. It’s like looking into a glass ball: everybody is at peace, everybody is happy but there is never a spot for me.

I normally would never discuss my thoughts or feelings with anyone except for one day when I was in my 40s I made an appointment with my doctor because I knew I needed help and instead of laughing and joking when I went into his surgery I broke down completely. He was astounded to see the real me and he told me he would never have picked it because I was always so happy. Apparently I am text book chronic depression and he prescribed antidepressants. I have never told family mainly because I did not want to hear those three words: get over it.

…Depression is difficult to explain.

Do you feel the same way? What helps you in those dark times?

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  1. I think you are amazing woman Christine and I am full of admiration for you, depression is very debilitating , despite that you manage to care for your elderly mum. Get some help, there are many good organizations who will be more than happy to help you..all the best of luck

  2. Thank you for sharing with us…you are a breath of fresh air in a world of light and darkness.

  3. You are not alone. Please don’t feel bad about yourself because you have an illness. I understand how you feel as I am there and suffered for many years. My story is bleak but this is about you so please take care of yourself as no one else really can.

  4. Oh dear lord …. this i so not good Christine. I am hoping you have some support. I would love to help you. Please pm me…. you dont need to do this on your own. You dont know me and i dont know you….please let me be a shoulder and an ear for you……

  5. Christine when I hit rock bottom and was in a fetal position in the corner of my bedroom my doctor referred me to a good Psychologist. She saved my life. Please consider professional help.

    1 REPLY
  6. I can really relate to you Christine! And the worst thing is it creeps up on you. You can be felling perfectly fine, then suddenly – whoomp! you are down. I often don’t realise it until I notice I haven’t been doing any basic cleaning or seeing people. The longer it goes before you realise how far down you are, the longer it takes to get back up.

    4 REPLY
    • Hi Phyllis, yes I do the ‘no cleaning’ thing too – my family photograph shelf hasn’t been dusted for months. Then when they arrive I have to rush around & try to pretend I am normal!

    • I am exactly the same,nice to know it’s not just me

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