Expectations [Sex after sixty]

Expectations: Anticipation, expectancy, eagerness, hope,
hopefulness, excitement, suspense.

Many women and men who are over sixty and in a relationship, can and do have a healthy sex life. They live with their partners and can find affection and companionship at home. For those single and over sixty things are very different, especially if they seek intimacy with the opposite sex and have high expectations.

Any of us meeting for the first time have expectations, although it can be very different depending on our lifestyle. For some going to the club for bingo is the highlight of their week, for those that have lived a very different life the thought of going to a club for bingo is something that they couldn’t ever contemplate doing.

Why should our expectations be any different when looking for a partner than they were thirty or forty years ago? For those in a relationship many wish that things were like they were, especially women who desperately miss the romance that they once had in their lives.

I know I have said this before, but even if at our age we still have partners, this is the stage of live that any of us can find ourselves unexpectedly alone again.

Thirty years ago when I was forty, single and between marriages my expectations in relation to the type of man I was interested in was fairly high. I was on the board of an international advertising agency, earning in excess of $200,000, I owned my home and drove a BMW.

Most people would understand that at that stage of my life I wouldn’t be interested in an unemployed guy living in a caravan. I expected to be involved with a man of similar status.

The man I subsequently met in my 40s whom I was involved with for eight years was an Italian who held a world position with an Italian car manufacturer. He had homes in Australia, Milan, Torino and a villa in the Greek Islands.

I’m sharing this with the readers of this column to make a point.

Why, why, why because we are now over sixty should our expectations be any different than they were, especially if we want and expect to stay within our own socio economic and age groups?

I was told when I was considering going onto the internet hoping to meet up with a man for a romantic relationship that I had no hope of finding any professional men on the internet dating sites.

My friend Helen assured me that there would be no company directors, barristers, surgeons or the like on any internet dating site. At the time I though she must be wrong but I soon found out that there were not too many that met my expectations.

I’ve been slammed by a reviewer of the book that I published last September about my internet dating experiences as being ‘up’ myself. It was because I expected at sixty-five to meet a professional man who was sincere, honest, reliable, independent and committed. I was informed that I should except ‘the sad truth’ and not think I was God’s gift and settle for what was available and to remember that I was on the ‘wrong side of sixty’.

So does that mean that now that I’m seventy I should grab anything that comes my way? I love having a man in my life and still love intimacy but I’m dammed if I’ll ever trade down to get it. Unfortunately I’m only attracted to a certain type of man and that’s that. To be honest I’ve been told it would take a fairly special person to keep up with me and not feel inadequate.

I was curious to know why professional single males over sixty aren’t on the internet dating sites. Then late last year I was fortunate to be able to interview a high profile surgeon about his personal life. This is was I discovered.

This man is 63 and had been separated from his second wife for ten months.

Q: Have you considered using the internet dating sites to find your next love?
A: Absolutely not. Within a month of separating from my wife the phone never stopped. They were all trying to match me up with their single friends and sisters.

Q: What age groups were they?
A: Most were late 40s or early 50s.

Q: Are you not interested in someone your own age?
A: No. As long as they are not wanting to have children I would rather stay with the under 50s.

Q: If a woman walked into your life that was in her 60s and you were a little smitten would you take it any further?
A: No. My last wife was two years older than me and I’d rather not have to put up with all the female ageing stuff again especially when I have my own ageing issues.

I was not surprised at what he said, from what I hear most older high profile or professional men that become available are snatched up by the under 50s, many who are coming out of their first marriages. I’m sure it’s no different for high profile or professional women in their 60s, although many seem to bury themselves in charity and community work and travel rather than hooking up with some available 80 year old who may be interested in them and become his nurse!

Even so, many of us, me included are still going to be looking for that needle in a haystack. Although as I say in my book, for me nowadays it may now be more like looking for a needle that has been dropped into the Pacific Ocean from an orbiting satellite.

Let me know about your expectations. xxx CaroleL

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Carole Lethbridge is the author of “Online Dating After Sixty: One woman’s journey of love, lust and losers”. She has been both married and single over the last few decades and she has done her own research, gathering extensive data on relationships between females and males, drawing on both for her book and column. Online Dating After Sixty is available for purchase for $21.50 via Booktopia.