Maybe it is about time we all had a good long think about kangaroos.
Almost since Day One of European contact with Australia – Captain Cook took a specimen back to the UK with him in 1771 – the kangaroo has been, to use that trendy word “embedded”, in our popular culture.
Beginning with the National Coat of Arms, the kangaroo is featured as a logo, emblem or mascot for everything from Qantas, the RAAF, coins and sporting teams and has been featured in songs, poems, architecture and art.
There are about 40 million kangaroos in Australia and while Caucasians have been observing them for more than two centuries and Aboriginals for about forty thousand years, it is only recently that the discovery has been made that they are left-handed – well, left-pawed anyhow.
Talk about discovering what should have been the blinding bloody obvious and, to add insult to injury, this discovery was made by a bloody Russian – Associate Professor Yegor Malashichev, a zoologist at Saint Petersburg State University.
I would have thought that Mother Russia had more than enough to provide rich fields of study for zoologists but, no it seems. Professor Malashichev and his team came all the way to Tasmania to have what has obviously been a much closer look at our national icon than anybody else who lives here ever bothered to have.
“Handedness” is the term used to describe a population-wide trend in which the majority of individuals prefer one hand over the other for most tasks. While about ten percent of humans are left-handed, it was thought such “handedness” – with the huge majority being right-handed – was unique to humans.
“What we see in kangaroos is the same strength of handedness we see in humans but the direction of this handedness is opposite to humans. They use their left forelimb to wipe their snout, or collect food and so on,” the good professor explained.
Professor Malashichev believes – and who can deny him? – that since our bipedal marsupials stand on two feet like we do, this could explain why they have developed “true handedness.”
Now that the scales have been lifted from our eyes about the good old kanga, we can now only begin to appreciate what cunning and subversive animals they are. Frankly, we have been seduced into thinking that they are nice when the exact opposite is true.
Bible scholars will tell you that those who are left-handed are to be avoided by all right-thinking (and right everything else) Christians. Just think of the parable of the sheep and the goats – the sheep are on Christ’s right hand and the goats on the left and it is the sheep that inherit the Kingdom of God while those on the left depart into everlasting fire. No doubt, the kangas go to hell also.
It would not surprise me if it was revealed that this Russian meddling with our kangaroo population is a direct result of their on-again, off-again and back on-again ban on kangaroo meat imports – imposed by their President Putin in retaliation over bans imposed because of Moscow’s support of rebels in Ukraine. Before this ban, the trade was worth $120 million a year to Australia.
Only last September, a Brisbane meat processing company told the Kremlin to hop off with its kangaroo meat bans. They just weren’t worth the trouble, the fickle bastards.
The devil is left-handed and evil spirits lurk over the left shoulder which is proven by the fact that careful folk throw spilled salt over their left shoulders to ward them off and it is the right hand that gives the blessing and makes the sign of the cross.
I can do no better than quote Psalm 118 verses 15 and 16: “The right hand of the Lord doeth valiantly, the right hand of the lord is exalted.” If it’s good enough for the Lord, then it is good enough for me. In any case, I have enough to worry about when I get to the Pearly Gates than being left-handed.
I’m no conspiracy theorist but consider this: There have been eight left-handed American Presidents. The country got along just fine with 19 right-handed leaders until James Garfield came along in 1881 and this first left-handed President served only six months before succumbing to an assassin’s bullet.
The forces of darkness have consolidated their grip on Washington with five out the last seven presidents left-handed – Gerald Ford, Ronald Regan, George H W Bush, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama. To his credit, Reagan who was born left-handed valiantly fought the devil and learned to write right-handed.
And also think of this – England defeated Australia in the 5th test in 1902 at The Oval by one wicket and the match ended on 13 August. Significantly – and this could not be a coincidence – International Left-Handed Day is, yes, August 13 just to rub that defeat in our faces.
It’s not too late to wake up to the enemy within – yes, that agent of evil, the kangaroo.
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