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Barnaby Joyce pledges radical change to the national anthem if appointed deputy PM

If Barnaby Joyce wants to become the next Deputy Prime Minister, there are some promises he needs to make, according to the editors of a regional newspaper.

In an open letter to Mr Joyce, the Betoota Advocate has made the following demands:

An open letter to Barnaby Joyce Member for New England:

Mr Joyce, it has come to our attention that you are within a very good shot of being chosen as the next Deputy Prime Minister of Australia.

This also means that you will become acting Prime Minister in the winter months of each year.

As we are the most-read regional newspaper in Australia, you should be very aware of the role The Betoota Advocate plays in the Australian political landscape.

In other words, we will be the ones who decide whether or not Malcolm Turnbull chooses you.

After spending months talking with our readers and visiting every single CWA branch in the country, we have compiled a list of conditions that you must agree to before we can give Malcolm the go ahead.

They represent the sentiments held by our newspaper, our readers and the residents of the Australian Outback. They are as follows:

– You MUST come good on your promise for a live interview with The Betoota Advocate before April this year.

– You MUST quit smoking

– You MUST stop Malcolm from pointing at everyone with his folded, square-frame glasses.

– You MUST agree to be the only male on an entirely feminist ABC Q&Apanel. Tony Jones will be replaced Clementine Ford and the entire audience will also be female.

– You MUST Stop the Mosque in Betoota

– The moment Malcolm Turnbull leaves the country, your first priority will be implementing a nation-wide ban on the AFL.

– You MUST sign off on the proposed 200-foot statue of Bernard Fanning on the Kangaroo Point cliffs

– You MUST remove Dutton’s mobile phone privileges and tell Julia to stop death-staring at people in airports

– You MUST make your family home available to our editors during their visit to the Tamworth Country Music Festival

– In accordance with the wishes of our farmers, you must also sell Melbourne, and relocate all proceeds into the Department of Agriculture’s Drought Relief Assistance Scheme.

– You must be recorded using the words “South-West Queensland” at least 45 times in all media appearances over the course of 2016.

– You MUST work with the Minister of Education to allow cartwheels back into Australian Primary Schools, as well as refereed boxing.

– You MUST introduce an Outback Queensland team to the NRL – National Rugby League

– You MUST be able to drink an entire schooner glass of XXXX Bitter faster than Tony Abbott put away a pot of Pure Blonde.

– And lastly, you must make an appearance to the 2016 Betoota Races & Gymkhana.

It’s not too much to ask, Barney. And it’s not negotiable.

Your people have our contact details. We look forward to hearing from you.

As you may have gathered, despite claiming to be Australia’s oldest regional newspaper, the Betoota Advocate is, in fact, a satirical website that was poking a bit of fun at the Agriculture Minister. But that didn’t stop the Agriculture Minister from responding in the best possible way.
See Mr Joyce’s reply below:

Dear The Betoota Advocate

I am currently on leave but have taken time out to respond to your serious demands.

• I will only go on Q & A if Courier Mail journalist Renee Viellaris is the host and the guests include Penny Wong. The topic no doubt will be the problems with Real Politik and the tragic recent fall from grace of Germaine Greer and Barry Humphries with their lightning bolt from left field condemnation of the emasculation of the general dialogue by political correctness. . The ABC will claim that the audience is 50% male and 50% female no matter what you may otherwise deduce.

• I am practising on the beer thing and who told you about the occasional gasper?

• Came from South West Queensland yesterday was in South West Queensland on Wednesday and I shall endeavour to catch up with lots of South West Queenslanders while at the Mooloolaba Surf Lifesaving Club in the next two weeks.

• Powderfinger should reform and write the next national anthem.

• All are welcome, with a little notice, at the Hollywood Hills of Music City for the Country Music Festival. However strict vetting will happen on all iPhone tunes after three complaints.

• As for the CWA, as my wife and mother in law are members and my grandmother was a regional representative, I have been, am, and always shall be in continual observation and probation from this clandestine society.

• Death stares will be made illegal before all bouts at the Tamworth PCYC. Julie Bishop will be the third umpire on this issue and referrals will be made on a phone donated by a current prominent Federal Member of Parliament with something to do with immigration.

• All cartwheels are to be immediately returned to gateways and ramps where they shall be tied back to the fence as a rustic statement of bucolic pride. Additionally, children shall do compulsory cartwheels prior to arrival of all guests above level of president of P & C.

• Upon the eventual demise of the written press in favour of continual loops of Jersey Shore and Keeping up with the Whatever’s, the Betoota Advocate shall reign supreme as the global purveyor of the eternal truth.

What did you think of the Betoota Advocate’s “demands” and Barnaby Joyce’s response? Did he hold his own, or would you have preferred a more considered response?

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