What Pisses Me Off: Toilet rolls!

We need to talk about toilet rolls. There’s no point trying to seduce me by saying you love my bum (oh how easily seduced am I)! A chance would be a fine thing if some toilet paper ever made it there. I’m talking about the situation that exists – vis a vis toilet rolls – in public toilets. Rolling is something they don’t do any more.

I am of course eternally grateful that we have moved on from the highly injurious toilet paper of yesteryear. You know the stuff that came in a square cardboard box which was encased in an tin holder with a slot, through which you pushed your fingers to remove one single piece of paper – shiny on one side and coarse on the other. That’s if you were lucky and didn’t lose a finger in the process, at which point blood would flow. Using that paper was also likely to cause blood to flow if a person made an unguarded swipe in a moment of haste. The tin holder bore the proud boast Winner of an Australian Design Award – from the Blood Bank, no doubt.

I have since spent many moments in public toilets wrestling with the innumerable devices which have been mounted on the wall to hold rolls of toilet paper. I would now like to offer a few words of advice to the manufacturers of these contraptions: stop mucking about. We want to use the toilet paper. I recently saw one forlorn roll which was half in and half out of the dispenser (what a misnomer that is) and looked as if a demented woodpecker had been trying to gain entry to build a nest. All the little bits of paper were scattered on the floor, along with bigger bits which had been left by previous persons. Please take note: containers which hold toilet rolls on top of each other are useless and only work for the last roll, because they are too heavy to surrender the paper from the bottom roll. Devilishly clever if it is the toilet roll manufacturers who thought this one up, because the paper ends up on the floor.

My most recent exasperating experience has been with the container which holds one enormous roll. I have made many delicate attempts to coax some paper off these rolls, but consider myself fortunate if I end up with one tiny square which has been surrendered ungraciously by the roll turning very slightly upon itself. Therein lies the problem. One giant roll is too heavy, mate. The remains of other people’s less delicate attempts are to be found all over the floor again. I fear these contraptions are vulnerable to assault in the near future – but don’t look at me!

Do you agree? Do public toilet paper dispensers piss you off? Tell us what you think should replace them below!