To my ex wife

I saw the anonymous post yesterday called ‘To my ex husband‘ and it made me immediately want to respond. Like many blokes out there, I have an ex wife, and she caused me much grief. And I can happily say that I was not the instigator.

If I was a woman, I would never have behaved the way you did during our marriage. I wouldn’t have carried on and picked on every little thing you did. I would have never been a terrible liar and disappear on you with the local accountant. I would have never have argued with you and made you feel pathetic, over the most stupid things. I would have never withheld affection from you because I didn’t feel like it.

If I was a woman, I would have taken care of you, I would never have made you get a taxi to a heart operation while I got drunk next door. I would not have left you behind as you lay in a hospital bed and pretended you were dying to get sympathy from other men. I would have had your children and wanted them to be like you. I would never have a hysterectomy without asking you.

If I was a woman, I would love you tenderly, not leave you to wonder why we were ever married. I would get married to you because I loved you and not because my dad told me to. I would kiss you on the lips and not be repulsed by the very sight of you. I would introduce you to my friends proudly, I’d never take other men to functions instead.

If I was a woman, I’d be with you through the good and the bad, not fail to turn up to your mother’s funeral with no excuse. I would hug you and cry with you, not tell you that “We all knew it was coming”.

If I was a woman, I would be strong but also kind. I would never make you feel scared and emasculated in my presence. I would never mock you. I guess you never loved me.

If I was a woman, I wouldn’t just leave a note saying you were leaving with the accountant. I would talk things out for hours if we needed to, but we wouldn’t. Because I’d never marry someone just because.

If I was a woman, I would be as beautiful as I could be around you. I would dress up for dates, instead of acting like I didn’t want to be there. I’d wear my wedding ring on my hand with pride, instead of conveniently losing it.

You were not a woman, you were the shadow of one. And you still haunt me, years after we divorced.

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