The questions I wish I’d asked my mum 5



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My mother passed away when I was just 27 years old, from complications after being stung by a bee, of which she was highly allergic. When I tell people that, they laugh but that time of my life is still stuck in my head as the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. Mum was unable to do anything for herself and when she died, she was just 60.

Back in the 70s that was not that unusual and she was considered to have lived a long life, but now, at 63, I think to myself that I’m nowhere near finished living, and there’s so many things I wished I’d asked mum.

27 is young when I look back. Mum died a year after Dad and I had no siblings. What was I to do? I had to organise everything for them. I remember Mum saying on her death bed that at least I wouldn’t have to worry anymore about her once she was gone but I actually longed for a mother, and a father.

Here’s some things I wanted to ask my mum. Mum, if you’re listening, I think I found out the answers to some of them.

How do you know if you’ve been a good parent? I know you were but I sometimes feel as if I’ve failed my kids. They’re bright and happy and healthy but I wish I had some guidance. Maybe I’m doing better than I thought.

What is the secret to a happy life? I’ve been searching for years! At this point I think it’s the kids that make me happy, and working. But you were always such a soulful person who found light in dark places. How did you get yourself through tough times?

Would you have done anything differently? Would you have wanted to be a grandmother to my children who are now 26 and 28? I think you’d love them so dearly, it really is a shame them never had their Nan.

Were you proud of me? Did I ever let you down? I sometimes wish you were right here with me, hugging me and telling me everything will be OK. I have friends whose parents are 90, like you would’ve been, and I feel deeply sad. You had so much more to give, but was it better this way? Were you teaching me something by leaving me on my own?

And finally, where should I look for you? When you died, I saw a white cross above my clothes line. I felt sadness wash over me as I ran inside, just as the phone rang. I knew in that moment you’d left. Ever since I’ve searched for you in the sky or in butterflies. If you can read my thoughts, please send me a sign.

And if you have one question for me, I think you’d ask, “do you miss me?” and the answer is, every day. I wish I appreciated you more when you were here but know that you are never forgotten.

Tell us, what would you ask your mum?

Guest Contributor

  1. I’m 66, I miss my mum everyday. When I’m cooking I think why didn’t I take notice when she made this! When I have to buy cloths, she used to make all my cloths. A million little things! She was game for any inappropriate adventure. I still cry when I think of the hardships she had endured before my time. She was an orphan. I think there would be an agreement that the older we get the more we think and appreciate our mums. I would have loved the story of her life on paper. She was born in 1909 and died 1993.

  2. I lost my mum when I was 35 she was only 59, these are some questions I’ve asked too. Its very painful losing your mum when youre bringing up children and going through so much as they grow. She was such a caring loving and happy person and would have loved her Grandchildren and now Great Grandchildren such a loss to all of us.

  3. I’d why she dragged me out of bed & beat me continuously after my Father had gone to work his night shift. Why she wanted me in the first place – apart from being a ” trophy child ” to prove to the rest of the family that she had a child. Why I was supposed to prove myself better than my cousins & the end results of being otherwise were very painful ( they all had loving caring homes). Why having to perform my best at school in the top stream only to be pulled out before I could sit my major exams. as she said I would only get married & have children , so what was the point in any qualifications.
    The scars are deep & ingrained in my memory. I have never had children – but do have a great life, finally got my own qualifications & had a successful career. Left England in 1988 – did return just before Dad passed away to spend some time but only went back after Mum passed away to arrange & then sell the house. I did once ask her why she did it – but her only answer was ” Please don’t remind me – I don’t know ” I do, she was also beaten as a child & thought that was the only way to show discipline.

  4. I would ask my mother why she thought she had to stay with my father, just because she made her bed and had to lie in it. She believed because she signed a document for better or worse that she had to stay for more worse. My mother was abused physically and emotionally as we kids all were.

  5. my family history all about her life growing up sadly my mum didnt talk about her life she had a baby out of wedlock and she was made to be ashamed . my dad told us bits and pieces but out of respect for my sister and my mum we never talkrd about it . as all the older genaration have now passed it difficult to tell my grandchildren when they ask questions

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