We have compiled some of the best Irish jokes we could find for your Saint Paddy’s day!
1. One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.
“Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory”
Paddy shook his head. “Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned”
Mrs McMillen starts crying. “Oh don’t tell me that, did he at least go quickly?”
Paddy shakes his head. “Not really – he got out 3 times to pee!”
2. A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.
3. An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
4. Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says,
“I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland”.
The other bloke responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”
The first one says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”
The other bloke answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”
The first one responds, “So am I!”
“Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin?”
The other bloke says, “A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”
The first one says, “Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! And to what school would you have been going?”
The other bloke answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.”
The first one gets really excited and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”
The other bloke answers, “Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.”
The first one exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!”
About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, “it’s going to be a ling night tonight.”
Vicky asks, “Why do you say that Brian?”
“The murphy twins are drunk again.”