Sexual morality is in the eyes of the beholder

We recently had a conversation with a friend who used to work for a retirement village company. She recalled a lady who was a prospective purchaser and asked if there were any single men in the village. Our friend replied in the affirmative. The woman then responded with, “That’s good because I like to be serviced every so often”. Our friend thought that was a normal response from a sexually active senior.

In contrast, we had another conversation with a woman, and we related the fact that some retirement villages are hotbeds of sexual activity. We have spoken to many seniors’ groups and in one case a gentleman told us of someone who had three women on the go at the same time. When the woman heard this, she thought that this was totally immoral and condoning such behavior was encouraging “swinging”.

One thing we have learned over the years in consulting with people is that sexual morality is in the eyes of the beholder. The other thing we have learned is that baby boomer and senior generation is very sexually active, or at least this is what they desire.

Some years ago, a gentleman (we’ll call him Ray) came into the office. Ray’s wife had died many years before. He had a good relationship with his children and grandchildren and was fit and healthy. He also had an active social life—with two ladies. He spent time with June on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and with Maddy on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. Sunday was his golf day. Both ladies knew of one another and were quite comfortable sharing the delights of being with Ray.

The reality is that women outlive men, consequently in some senior communities the ratio of women to men is two or three to one. Unless there is some sharing of partners, there will be women that are missing out.

The last week we were watching a program with Stephen Fry, as he travelled through America. In this one segment, he visited a dance hall in Miami Beach frequented by seniors. It was evident that the women—if left to their devices—would be fighting over the few available men. The dance hall provides male dancers to assist in “servicing” these ladies.

It is somewhat unrealistic to expect seniors who are living well into their 80s or 90s to cease sexual activity because the younger generation thinks it is somehow immoral or disgusting.

The spectrum of sexual activity is very broad. Some seniors have no sex life while others have it to the extreme. We recall one gentleman in his early 70s, who had been with his younger partner for 10 years. He wanted to have sex seven times a day (we’re not kidding). His partner was finding this overwhelming. At her request, they sought counselling. She was prepared to have intercourse up to five times per day, but preferably three. Boris felt this was unacceptable—he needed it at least seven times. They couldn’t compromise, so the relationship broke down. It didn’t take him long to find a new partner who satisfied his needs.

Sexual morality varies according to one’s value system. Even countries vary in their attitudes to sex. The French are well-known for tolerating extramarital affairs. It is almost a badge of honor for men, less so for women, to have relationships with someone else. Surprisingly, the rate of infidelity in France is no higher than it is in many other countries, but what is different is the tolerance toward it. There is a website that has a membership of over two million where married women can liaise with men for sexual satisfaction.

As long as both partners in a relationship share all aspects of a sex, kinkiness, frequency or multiple partners the relationship will be satisfying. If there is a disparity, then the problems occur. The ideal is to have a loving and satisfying sexual relationship that does no harm to either partner.

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