I am asexual 58



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It might be a bit odd to hear it, and I’m sure quite of few of you have never encountered someone like me, but I am asexual. Have you been harmed or maimed? Are you OK? Yes, I am. I am just asexual.

Okay, so what exactly does that mean? Well, I’m not attracted to either gender and I don’t have any sexual urges. I know that sounds odd and even I once thought I was a freak, but you learn to live with it. I bet right now, you have a lot of questions. Am I just a woman without a libido but still fundamentally attracted to men? No, I’m not, and I’m not a lesbian either.

When I was a young girl, growing up in the 60s, I felt different. It was unexplainable until I got to about 15 and I realised I wasn’t boy crazy like my friends. They’d ask if I liked so and so and I’d just shrug, I didn’t think of him as even remotely attractive, but I thought it was maybe just him. But by the time I was 18, I had fallen out with most of the girls who had been my friend in high school. They thought I was weird because I didn’t want to go to the school dance with a boy, or I didn’t like hanging around after school when they’d flirt with older guys from the private school. I thought maybe I was a lesbian but even women made me feel nothing. I confided in a friend that I was feeling quite lonely and wanted a companion, but hadn’t ever felt sexually attracted to anyone. She said she had the perfect person for me.

Long story short, I had sex with a boy named Michael who was my friend’s cousin. It was not enjoyable and it just may be horrified, to be honest. I felt ashamed that I’d betrayed my own sexuality. And that sexuality was asexuality. I only realised that after my encounter with Michael so I am thankful he solidified what I was scared to admit. But back in the 70s, it wasn’t normal to be in your 20s and not have ever had a partner. I became stronger, though, and became an ambassador for others like me. I made a career for myself as a lawyer and author, and found happiness through my productivity. I’d go home from a stressful day and just sit with my cat and a cup of tea. I never really thought I was missing out because I had never had a relationship to begin with! I watched as my friends and family got married and had children, and I was always that single person. It didn’t distress me. But trying to fit into a world where everything was sexualised at every turn was hard. I wasn’t attracted to other people, but I couldn’t stop them being attracted to me.

My mother was particularly upset when I told her I was asexual. She said I was just repressed and something was going on with my hormones. I simply had to like men or, God forbid, women. I had to be normal. But the more I made her trail along to psychologist appointments, the more she saw I was genuinely happy as I was, the more she came around. I was 30 when she came to terms with the fact I wouldn’t be getting married or having children. I assured her it could be under much worse circumstances!

Now, in my 60s, I’m retired and still, shock horror, asexual. I have a partner now but he is also asexual – we met online and have been travelling around the world together. Do I love him? Yes, in my own way. And I don’t need to have sex to make it wonderful.


Tell us your thoughts below: have you ever met someone who was asexual? 

Guest Contributor

  1. Wow that is very confronting, so pleased that she is happy and has companionship. Best of luck

  2. Wonderful that you stayed true to yourself and beautiful you have someone in your life who feels the same !!!

  3. I had an uncle who (looking back) was asexual. It was possibly easier for a man to live this way? More acceptable to stay a bachelor. He was referred to as the ‘Bull Virgin’ by his mates. He appeared to have a full contented happy life and it was a much easier life than most in his day. He tended to live on the fringes of others lives and share their lives and kids. I understand him better now. Thank you for sharing.

  4. This is why I love this site! Thank you so much for sharing your story. You learn something every day, and it makes me wonder how available this information is for people who are experiencing your same journey. Such admiration that you stayed true to yourself, and that you have found companionship.

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