Daughter vs daughter-in-law, damned if I do and damned if I don’t! 107



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As the matriarch of the family, we have some important responsibilities. We bring the family together, we teach the family morals and values, we make sure everyone feels loved and most importantly, we teach the family to love one another.

Right now, I can’t help but feel like I’m failing at this and it comes down to one big problem – the daughter and the daughter-in-law. I’ll never get to the bottom of it, but one of my three daughters has a BIG problem with their brother’s wife. There’s been an unpleasant vibe there for a long time and I’ve never got to the bottom of why it even existed.

To be frank, I never really cared, until now.

Everything I do is scrutinised by both of them. If I babysit one’s children, the other scowls at how I’m simply being “used” by the other (despite the fact I babysit all of the grandkids fairly equally). Every birthday or Christmas when we swap gifts they will each privately tell me something negative about the gift I received from the other.

At family functions I sometimes feel like I am playing a game of tug of war tussling between the two of them – it’s like a competition of who can seem “closest” to me for the night. Thank god I enjoy the company of the grandkids!

Then the fact one is an only child and one has siblings come into play. While my other daughters don’t have the same issues with her, they always side with their sister if there is reason to – leaving my daughter in law feeling rather alone. This makes her particularly bitter and so I do my best to be kind and caring for her.

The minute my girls catch wind of this I’m being put through the ringer! Accused of being disloyal, weak and petty.

I’m not one for in fighting. It’s never been an issue in my family but I’m simply sick of being pulled around in the middle of it all! I don’t understand it!

My daughter in law was raised in a very different family with very different values and somehow my daughter sees this as the worst thing possible. If I put aside my personal beliefs to agree with her or show empathy to her point of view on anything I’m in trouble from the other one!

I simply can’t win and all I’m trying to do is be a great mother and great mother in law all at once. I have the belief that when someone marries into the family, they become your family – regardless of whether it is through genetics and blood. My love is there for everyone in the family… Equally. That’s my principal and what I believe, but I’m starting to feel it is getting me in more trouble than I would like.

Today I’m keen to know, have you had the same struggles? Do your daughter and daughter in law have relationship problems? What has been your answer? Share your stories in the comments below…

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  1. Get these two selfish girls together because that is what they are for putting you in the middle and just say what is your problem girls if you dont sort it out now it will carry on to their children you dont have to put up with this rot

  2. If I were you I’d stay well out of this. Do what you want to do with and for each girl. If the other complains, daughter or daughter in law, you her to tell them it’s your choice. They don’t get to tell you which grandkids you can babysit how often, or for how long. Both girls are astonishingly rude in making comments about the others Christmas gifts to you. But you must be accepting that because if you’d taken either of them to task over it and told them you find it rude, they would’ve stopped after one or two times.

    You’re fence sitting here, get off it. The splinters are starting to hurt. Don’t get involved in their nonsense. Put them both in their place. Tell them both to sort it out and not involve you in it. You’ve tried it your way and all that’s happened it seems is they both are trying to get you on side.

    Have any of you considered your son in all this. If your daughter continues to disrespect his wife and he gets forced to choose. Your daughter will lose her brother, you if you continue to try and appease both girls could lose your son. A man will not choose his mother or sister over the woman he sleeps with. The wife will win. I told my daughter the exact same thing. She had too much to say about her brother’s partner. When I defended her my daughter would take the Im your daughter, why are you defending her approach and try to guilt me. My response to that was, the girl has never disrespected me, nor have I ever heard her say a bad word about my daughters. I’ve never seen her be anything but nice to my daughters. Until I do, I will treat this girl with the same respect she shows me.

    I honestly believe my daughter is jealous of my son’s partner. I believe that she as the youngest child feels she deserves her brother’s attention still. He looked after both girls when they were growing up. They were all very close. Now they are all adults with husbands, children and partners of their own, the dynamic between them naturally and rightly changes. My daughter seems to think she should still come first with her brother. It’s not going to happen. I’ve stuck to that for a long time now. I doubt my daughter will ever truly get it. But she’s not showing her resentment now and things while they will probably never be great are civil. Things would be the same no matter who my sons partner was I have no doubt. But I will not allow anyone to put me in the middle. Nor will I put myself there.

    3 REPLY
  3. You have lived your life, allow your children to live theirs without interference from you. Giving birth to someone does not mean you can own and dictate to them for the rest of their lives

    6 REPLY
    • Being a daughter doesnt give you the right to dictate to your mother and others either. This lady is stuck between a rock and a hard place, if I were here I would back away from both of them and let them sort it out. As long as they use you as a go between you arent going anywhere.

    • I am talking in general to all of us.. she seems like a balanced person..she has done her best to resolve this

    • I felt the same as Natalie, maybe I am reading it wrong Bindy but until the end of your post you sound like you are accusing the mother of interferring, and not allowing the children to live their own lives. That is counter to what the story is about, if you mean it for all of us the wording is not correct…

    • Some people just have to be critical of others who have an opinion please can’t you comment without being critical of others.

    • they can’t get any likes themselves so they rush in to tell people who do they are wrong..it is same with the political posts

  4. I really really feel for you. I would get them all together, without the grandchildren and tell them the following or something similar.

    Now you lot…….. I’m sad and tired of being piggy in the middle to your childish squabbles. I don’t know what your problems are, and quite frankly I don’t want to know. You are ALL always welcome in my home, I love you all, but I won’t tolerate this anymore. From now on, in my home or my presence, if you can’t say anything nice about each other, DONT SAY IT AT ALL. if you can’t see what you are doing to each other, think about your partners and children. Now because you have been behaving like children I’m going to treat you like children. Please go and think about what I have said.

    I have been where you are and I assume my eldest three have sorted it with their spouses, if not I don’t know about it because they wouldn’t dare say an unkind word in my presence or to each other in my presence.

    Wishing you all the best.

  5. Stop seeing yourself as the matriarch and let them sort it out.
    They are grown women…Does the fact that you babysat for one need to even be discussed with the other. Maybe too much information/ ammunition.
    You may be inadvertently fueling the fire, so try to not talk about the other family to either of them for a while.
    My mum bless her upsets my sister by talking about my kids…so don’t.

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  6. one daughter inlaw banned me from seeing my grandchildren for a few years after I dropped off a christmas present to her step daughter , my eldest granddaughter who happened to be at her mother’s home on the day I was visiting the city .. this punishment was so I would ‘learn’ and only see grand daughter in the presence of her stepmum .. my other daughter in law after hearing about gossip got my eldest son to order the family not to tell me about the birth of their child . the baby is almost 2 years old and I am still not allowed to know about her birthdate , any photos etc .. all grandchildren get to see my ex husband though .. he can do no wrong apparently…

    5 REPLY
    • Wow I can relate to that, what a cruel girl. Doesn’t that hurt, similar happened to me and I didn’t see my granddaughter for fifteen months. Broke my heart. I let it go and although I battled with the pain it caused, hung in there quietly and eventually was got in touch with and now see her quite often. Even though she was only eighteen months when I was booted, she still remembered me. I still don’t know what I did and am not game to ask, I just quietly enjoy my princess and hope it doesn’t happen again. Strange.
      Your situation is definitely disgusting and you must have been so angry with your son. And as for his wife, what a nasty witch. Hard to see a positive in that .

    • Meredith I feel for you…our DIL Has banned us also…our Son we were so close to is now a memory along with their 3 children…she told me to get out of her personal space at our other sons wedding…I told her to F… off…which Normally I don’t swear but I was so hurt …it just came out…I am hoping karma will work on this one as I have nothing else to hope for. Our other son is having a baby soon, so I am hoping this DIL will like us…

    • I had the reverse. My parents in law put down so many rules of what I was to call them, to do, constant critical comments of my parents and how I was looking after my baby, very hurtful.

      1 REPLY
      • My Mother in law was like that. I could never please her. I confronted her and told her I was sick off her criticism. For years I had held off fearing she might have a heart attack then when I asked someone whose opinion I trusted. “What if I say something which causes her to have a heart attack” to which she replied. “What if she lives forever?” I did it and I never regretted it and we did get on much better and she knew I was not going to take any nonsense. She would still try me though but we got to the point where we could see the other one’s good points.

    • How terribly hurtful for you and the grandchildren. Your so called daughter in-law will will get what’s coming to her one day. It’s called Karma !

  7. You have given yourself the answer. They are adults now and will sort it out eventually or not. Keep out of it, you will only end up the bad guy.

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