The novel Fifty Shades of Grey has seduced women and baffled blokes. Now, Fifty Sheds of Grey offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts:
- We tried various positions round the back, on the side, up against a wall but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
- She stood before me, trembling in my shed. “I’m yours for the night”, she gasped. “You can do whatever you want with me”. So I took her to Bunnings.
- She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
- Ever since she read that book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
- “Put on this rubber suit and mask”, I instructed, calmly. “Mmmm, kinky!”, she purred. “Yes,” I said. “You cant be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof”.
- “I’m a very naughty girl”, she said, biting her lip. ”I need to be punished”. So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
- ”Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!” Okay, I said. What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?
- I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
- ”Are you sure you can take the pain?”, she demanded, brandishing her stilettos. “I think so”, I gulped. ”Here we go, then”, she said, and showed me the receipt.
- ”Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. ”Very well”, I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense”.
- ”Are you sure you want this?” I asked. ”When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks”. She nodded. ”Okay”, I said, “putting the three-piece suite on eBay”.
- “Punish me!” she cried. ”Make me suffer like only a real man can!” “Very well”, I replied, leaving the toilet seat up!
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