Entering retirement certainly has its benefits with no more early wake up calls or strict deadlines to meet, however the change in schedules can sometimes impact your relationships negatively as partners try to navigate their lives after giving up full-time work.
For decades, you have most likely been preoccupied with either looking after the kids or focusing on building a career, but with all of that now behind you the question of what to do next will no doubt crop up.
It probably comes as no surprise that people change over time with differing interests and plans for the future sometimes causing conflict between partners, which can sometimes lead to rifts. But fear not, this does not mean that divorce is in the future, as is explained by Relationships NSW Chief Executive Officer Elisabeth Shaw. The clinical and counselling psychologist said retirement for couples is a significant period of adjustment and challenges are common for any partnership no matter how strong the connection.
While some small disagreements in retirement are likely, if each person is aware of what they want post full-time employment it will make the transition that much easier. According to Shaw often couples have different expectations of what the period will involve, causing conflict in the relationship, so it’s important to set out a list of what both people want it to entail.
“If the couple has functioned well by having lots of separate time and interests, how this is negotiated when your partner is suddenly free to come with you, can be quite confronting,” she explained to Starts at 60. “If one has had more social interests and friends and can fill in time well, whereas the other has had little in life outside of work, this can also lead to imbalance.
“They may find different problems and solutions for retirement, and that too can create some dissonance. One might want to sit in the garden for hours while the other wants to travel the world.” Meanwhile, Bryan Ashenden, head of financial literacy and advocacy at BT Financial Advice said planning for retirement earlier is better giving each person a chance to achieve what they really want, at home in Australia or overseas.
“For some people, retirement means leaving the workforce entirely and having an opportunity to follow other interests, while others want to stay involved in some way, perhaps as a part-time worker or by starting some other income-producing endeavour,” he told Starts at 60.
They say communication is key and that is certainly the case when it comes to entering retirement. Voicing your concerns and worries for the future may seem daunting but according to Shaw it is essential to avoid any potential conflict when both or one member of a couple end their career.
Couples should make time to speak about what they expect to happen, including their own interests that will give them a sense of purpose and of course their fears. As Shaw explained retirement is an adjustment and it can be “clunky” so taking it step by step is important.
“What fears and uncertainties are there? What expectations and hopes? To discuss these together, in terms of their ramifications for the couple,” she told Starts at 60. “They could reflect on what in their relationship has worked well, including their ways of balancing separateness and togetherness, common and seperate interests and friends. And to discuss what they want to preserve of this and what they want to to do differently.”
Her thoughts were echoed in a study published in the Journal of Women and Ageing, which confirmed sharing concerns about future events can help with developing better retirement transitions overall. “Communication between partners was both a topic of concern as well as the solution suggested to resolve conflicts or differences that may arise when women live with a retired partner,” the study explained.
While time together is important in retirement, so is focusing on individual interests and hobbies each person is passionate about that can be carried out alone or with different friends. Shaw explained maintaining things that have mattered to each person separately is essential in keeping one’s own identity in retirement, without them suddenly having to all be “couple activities”.
“Like any other life stages, some separateness is healthy,” the expert said. “It may be that you have to leave your partner to their devices to solve aspects their own retirement experience, rather than rescue them. To be open to trying new things, as that could be valuable too.”
Meanwhile, financial expert Mike Chesworth explained even developing seperate areas of the home for individuals is a smart idea so one can take some time out when needed. After hearing from a friend about the concept, Chesworth said he was on board the idea immediately
“The first thing he said to me was ‘have a seperate space’ because he knew that my wife and I won’t be working regularly,” he told Starts at 60. “He turned around and said that was the best thing we did, because all of a sudden you don’t want to be on top of each other the whole time, you want to be able to have your own space. It just stuck in my head and it’s one of the things that I think might be funny but if you want to have a really good long term relationship that made a lot of sense to me.”