To my ex husband

If I was a man, I would never have behaved the way you did during our marriage. I would never have made the choices you made because they were all so self indulgent with absolutely no consideration towards myself and the children. I would never have made promises to you unless I intended to keep them. I would never have disappeared for days at a time. I would never have argued and fought and made you feel worthless, I would never have threatened you with violence. I guess you never loved me

If I was a man, I would never have left you laying in bed unable to move screaming for help; I would not have walked out that door. The neighbours would not have to step in and help you. If I was a man you would not have been screaming, I would have been there beside you holding your hand waiting for the ambulance, I would have been there to help and support you through all your surgeries. I would have made sure the children felt secure and not have to worry that they were going to lose you. I would not have slept with your friends, I would never have done that to you, I would have stood by your side no matter what.

If I was a man, I would have taken the kids to their sports, I would have taught them how to fish, taught them how to play cricket, kicked a ball around the back yard with them, I would have helped them with their homework. I would have listened to them, they would have known they were loved by me, they would have been proud to call me Dad.

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If I was a man, I would not have turned my back and walked away so many times to be in the arms of so many others, and I would certainly not have had the electricity cut off and left you and the kids in darkness. I don’t know why you did the things you did. I guess you never loved me.

If I was a man, I would not have stopped payments on the house, I would have made sure you and the kids had a home, I would never have hidden bank accounts from you. I would have made sure you and the kids were well cared for. I would have never have missed months of child support because I was on overseas holidays when I knew you were struggling. I guess you never loved me.

If I was a man, considering so many years have passed I would not say “I always loved you” because that is such a cowardly thing to say and we both know your actions said the opposite. Your actions did not make me feel loved, your actions made me feel fear, made me doubt myself, made me nervous, made me anxious – your actions made me doubt my sanity.

If I was a man, my life and the lives of our children would have been filled with love and laughter and adventure, but I am not a man, and neither are you!

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