The lonely Christmas: Changing times, families and Christmases

Today, I have a duality of feelings about Christmas, which as I write, is coming up in about 3 weeks. Things are very different this year. In fact, I did a sort of Christmas lunch already, last Sunday, for my adult children and two little grandchildren. My daughter had decided at the last minute to visit from South Australia for the weekend, going back to spend Christmas with her partner. My son, daughter in law and children are going to Thailand all over Christmas to visit her father.

So, we made the most of us all being together. I rushed out and shopped all in two days, and prepared a light lunch on the 1st December so that we could all exchange presents, before my daughter rushed off to get her plane as she had to return to work on Monday.

We still have my (second) husband’s daughter and four grandchildren to see and do the ‘present thing’ with, and due to various family complications on their part, and the children growing up now, I’m not sure when that will be. It looks though as my husband and I might be just the two of us on Christmas Day.

So, the two conflicting feelings in me now are a slight disappointment and flatness mixed with a sense of relief and freedom. I can’t help remembering the “real” Christmases of my childhood in the UK. On Christmas Day, we would have the big traditional lunch with my grandparents, usually go to an Aunt for a HUGE tea later in the day and play cards and sing songs all evening.

On Boxing Day, we would pretty much do the whole thing all over again – but maybe changing houses. There were pillowcases to be opened on Christmas morning full of toys, annuals, selection boxes (anyone remember these?), oranges and nuts. All in all, for a child, two whole days of fun, laughter, presents, and loved family members.

When my own children were aged just 4 and 1, my first husband and I made the “10 pound Pom” journey to Australia by boat, and suddenly, Christmases became a very different matter. Firstly, they were usually HOT. Oh dear, my coconut ice melted on the kitchen top when I was making it, I had to learn that everything had to spend some time in the fridge.

But I still cooked a turkey with all the trimmings, bought lots of Santa presents for the children and tried hard to somehow recreate those childhood times. Except, there was now NO extended family and instead, a series of friends that we sometimes met up. And on many Christmas Days, there were just the four of us. I would madly try to be cheerful and work overtime to make it happy for the children, while all the time feeling a terrible sense of loss myself.

Then things changed again when my husband and I divorced, eventually remarried and our children grew up. We extended our family with our new spouses, their families and the partners of our children, and grandchildren. Somehow, we managed to share out the days, always getting our share of the celebrations. Two years ago, we had a wonderful family Christmas all together with my first husband and both our spouses, our children and grandchildren. This was a precious and valued time, feeling grateful that we were able to get together still in this way.

So, here I am doing it all very differently this year, and it has set me wondering. How much of my hanging on to childhood Christmas has been for me rather than anyone else? Do these “traditional English” Christmases really have any place in Australia? Do they have a place in 21st Century life, when parents are usually both working and have neither the time nor energy to make such an effort in shopping and preparing?

Also, families are so much more complex with stepfamilies almost the ‘norm’. Are all the “Winter Wonderland”, Joy and Peace, and family get-togethers a thing of the past? Do we want this, as we grow older? I am 66 now, and must admit that the much quieter smaller things make me happier than they used to. I can imagine my husband and me with a few prawns, some champagne and catching up on our DVDs having quite a good day! Or is the “true spirit” of Christmas – still alive for the Christians amongst us at least?

I know I am lucky to still have a companion to share the season with. We spare a thought to those who may be on their own, abandoned by family – or without family. But really, is all the hype and effort still appropriate in our modern way of life?

What do you think, Starts at Sixty family? How have your Christmases changed as your family has changed?