I’m sure you have all come across them in your travels and some of you may even have stopped to investigate such landmarks as The Big Pineapple, The Big Banana, The Big Worm and other such monuments to bad taste, but haven’t you ever thought, “There’s gotta be something bigger than this”? ‘Course you have, because my latest market research tells me that clearly size is important to some of you, and whilst BIG might cause some to wince, those aesthetes with such delicate dispositions must put aside their feelings and bow to the greater good. If BIG is what “they” want, then BIG is what we must strive to give them. I have in mind an edifice that can be seen for miles around; an eyesore that can be picked up by cameras in outer space; a lump on the horizon that will blot out the sun at certain times of the year. Another day, another eclipse. Mother Nature needs our help to make a dollar, and the buck starts here.
Where to put such a vision, I hear you ask all agog. Well, you’ll be thrilled to know that I have found the exact location. There is a temperature zone in Australia where the majestic cliffs of the The Great Dividing Range give way to verdant rolling hills which slope gently down to the ocean, with spectacular and unspoilt views as far as the eye can see – ’tis a sight to soothe the soul.
Now clearly this won’t do. Wake up Australia – the dream time is over. We can’t just stand around admiring the scenery and soaking up the atmosphere as if that is what it is there for. No. All that wide open space is just going to waste and clearly what it is waiting for is this clever little Ossie entrepreneuse and an understanding Bank falling over itself to lend me the odd billion or two. I realise now that the last time I approached the bank on bended knee, I adopted the wrong stance – or stoop. Hell, I only wanted to build a house.
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Think BIG. The only stumbling block I can foresee at the moment is that I don’t propose to go up, but out, and it seems to me that the clear preference is for up; something to do with the male thrust, I’m told. Well let me say here and now and without question: I thrive on thrust. Give me thrust and I’m your man. However, I might need to trade some thrust for width – THE WIDEST BUILDING IN THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE. It doesn’t have quite the right ring to it, although I’ve always been keen on width myself. But I’m sure a couple of million to some advertising whiz will ensure that width will be the in thing (ahem).
I want flags and bunting with plastic kiddywhiz things and zippy brats in snappy hats telling me to ‘have a nice day’. There’s nothing like large dollops of insincerity to fill me with ennui and make me truly despair for this, my country. Besides, it ain’t natural for the young to be so pleasant.
It only remains for me to find a suitable name for my dream – The Mctuckypizzajackshack? The Dinkumossidandynongscone? The Bonzadamperndunnystumpdump? Whaddayareckon?!
What is your big dream? What do you think is a suitable name for Jan’s big dream? Share with us below.