I can't stop thinking about death!

Let’s face it, dying is a pretty dismissal subject. But, for some, it becomes a constant thought. What seems to happen all of a sudden, one’s body begins to whoosh down that ‘slippery slide’ of ill health and you find yourself thinking about ‘death’. Never mind the serious issues, all the other ‘aches and pains’ are enough to start you on that downward slope! What used to be an annual visit to the GP for the usual ‘oil change and grease’ becomes an almost weekly visit – and the news is never good. Take this pill, have this test, stop doing this or that – I feel like screaming ‘it’s too bloody late’!

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I’m only 60 and I try each day to stop thinking those morbid thoughts but those little ‘blighters’ just wont stop coming! So far the only thing that appears to be functioning well enough is my mind and, given that I douse it with too much wine on a daily basis, that’s probably about to go down the gurgler too! Which brings me back to the title of my ‘blog’ – How soon is too soon? Truth is, slipping away quietly, painlessly; in my sleep tomorrow, right now would be my preferred option.  I’m no longer ‘the most important’ person in anyone’s life. Yes, my son’s love me; other members of my family love me, but the truth is I’m becoming a ‘burden’ to all of them and I don’t like it!

Now, on a brighter note, my bloody cast is off!! Not only do I suffer from severe clinical depression; had a benign tumour removed from my neck; diagnosed with breast cancer; but I also broke my ankle six weeks ago! It was my closest experience of being ‘dependant’ on others and I didn’t like it one little bit! Moon boots, crutches, cast – all that aside – someone else (thankfully, my sister) had to help me shower! Worst thing was, that given her time constraints, it could only occur once a week!! Whilst I was reluctant to do it (still a bit wobbly on the old pins), I took the risk and that afternoon I stood in the shower, all by myself. Showering is such a basic function. When you can’t do it by yourself, it’s the absolute pits! For those of our community who need help with such daily functions, I now understand how degrading that must feel. Thank God, a stranger wasn’t doing it for me.

 

Am I on my ‘Pat Malone’ in having these thoughts?  P.S. I’m doing a really poor job of growing old gracefully!