Do friendships change as we age?

After receiving a long, newsy email from an old friend in England, I was sitting the swinging seat on my back patio sipping a cold white wine, as you do, when I was quite overcome with feelings of sadness and loss, thinking of some friends that I no longer see, have lost touch with or worse – drifted away from for ever.

Vanessa, from whom I had just got the email, and I were at High school together in our native island of Guernsey, so from the age of about 11 we shared our girlish dreams, our blossoming womanhood, our boyfriends, and our school days. Then, we each went our separate ways for a while but we ended up sharing a unit with two other girls in a suburb on the outskirts of London.

I married first – at the tender age of 19, and she followed not much later. We still managed to get together with our spouses and eventually my two children. When my second child, was only 1 years old, our little family immigrated to Australia (and that is a whole other story to be explored later!) and I left England when Vanessa was pregnant with her first child. It was only years later, that she shared with me how devastated she had been at our decision to go and live at the other side of the world.

Over all the years since then, more than 40, we have kept in touch, first by regular blue air mail letters wending their way between us, then by email and sometimes now on Facebook. On an average of once every five years, we have met up on my trips back “home”. The last time was about a year ago. Always, though, we have maintained a sense of sharing in each other’s lives, telling our deepest secrets, accepting each other and not judging. Even now, when I need to sort out my head, I will often send her a long email full of ups and downs and muddle and emotion – knowing that not only will she “sort the wheat from the chaff” but will understand and respond in just the way I need.

So, in my sadness, I am missing her in particular, and others who are far away – but also, I realise that mainly, my friendships are no longer this deep. Is it because of the immigration experience that I don’t have the same deep connections in my life these days? Is it because no one in Australia knew me when I was really young? Maybe it is because I kept moving and having to leave some people behind, and meet new ones? Many good friends have moved away to another state, another country but is that just the nature of living in a place like Australia?

I do have friends, including long-term friends, but not really those I see regularly and can share my soul with and still feel safe. What I want to know is – do other people feel that the nature of friendships changes as we age? Do we have less need for depth in our friendships? Are we more involved with families and our lives so that we don’t have time? Do we have less energy to sustain the time and effort involved? Do acquaintances suffice? Do we just have ‘enough’ people in our lives that we are less interested in making new friends? Does everyone need at least one or two ‘special’ friends, and perhaps that is provided with a spouse or partner? Is the sort of close friendship from high school just a practice run at intimacy for later life? Do men and women regard friendships totally differently? Is one more likely to maintain friendships if we are single still – or again?

I would really like to hear the experiences of other over 60s in their friendships – what would be your definition of a true friend, would it be someone you can borrow money from, or someone you can call at 4 am, or someone you can tell your deepest secrets to? Or maybe friendship to you is something completely different?

Regardless, I do honour and appreciate each person with whom I share my life. There are acquaintances with whom I share a hobby, people I laugh with, people who listen, people who tell me their troubles, and even those I only connect with on Facebook! I will end this with a favourite quote from dear old Winnie the Pooh – A. A. Milne – “We’ll be friends Forever, wont we, Pooh?” asked Piglet. “Even longer.” Pooh answered. 

What does friendship mean to you? Do you have one or two close friends and then a larger social group? How have your friendships changed as you’ve aged?