The dos and don’ts for getting along with your daughter-in-law

I never even gave it thought that there might be rules when it comes to daughter-in-laws. Having been a daughter-in-law through three different marriages, I have experienced the worst of mothers-in-laws and swore I would never turn out like any one of them.

I have tried to be interested and helpful, but only when a recent incident evolved, did I look at the research on daughters-in-laws and discovered a set of rules that applied to the relationship.

Usually, it’s power struggles and jealousy about the son/husband’s relationship with his mother and of course daughter/wife’s relationship with her father, and it is all about control and competition.

I had a mother-in-law who did not approve of my marriage to her son and decided to put in every effort to break up our marriage.

If we went to visit she had numerous girls lined up to meet him or she would throw a party and have her daughter bring all her friends along and target my husband. She even went to the trouble of putting me at a rear table at her daughter’s wedding while my husband sat in the wedding party at the main table.

If you saw the movie Monster-in-law, she was 10-times worse. For eight years I put up with her disruption to my marriage, and when finally she got a new husband and had new priorities, she left us alone.

Mother-in-laws can also cause a lot of disruption to a marriage. You wonder why you are being dragged along to dinner every weekend when you end up doing all the dishes, even when you are eight months pregnant.

Everybody else sits down and enjoys the evening, and you are made to feel you were there as the domestic help. When you visit they only seem to be interested in what he is doing and you become the apparition in the background.

Then they want to examine the plans for your house and choose and advise you on house designs. I think I remember telling my husband that he could live in the house with his mother if she made any more decisions for us.

It is however not always the mother-in-law’s at fault.

A daughter-in-law can be very jealous of the relationship between her husband and his mother. Some are so jealous of the closeness of the parent and child, they cannot deal with it in an appropriate way.

Jealousy destroys lives and relationships. Let’s face it, no matter how good a parent is or isn’t, these types of daughter-in-laws can be lethal to any relationship their spouse might have had with their parent. Some are so insecure, they make sure the parent is no longer in the picture – why not just burn us at the stake?

Other daughters-in-law may be wary of letting Grandma connect with the grandchildren and Grandma certainly doesn’t help curb resentment if she refuses to follow Mummy’s parenting rules.

It is a little like learning to win friends and influence people. You need to be friendly and welcoming as your new daughter-in-law may be very nervous.

You should not really be discussing your son’s wife with him or discussing him with your son’s wife. If you are going to be difficult, critical or complain about her, do not talk about it to either of them.

So what can you do to improve the situation? 

You can find out what your daughter-in-law likes and dislikes, and do not cross her on her rules or choices. This can also apply to sons-in-law.

You need to apply this to the grandchildren as well, making sure you have her permission to do something not just your son’s permission. 

Allow time for you to get to know your daughter-in-law accepting that you may not get along and she may be taking to others about you. 

• Do not talk to other family members about your son’s wife.
• Do not expect them to do things your way.
• Ring and book a time to visit, just do not arrive on the doorstep.
• Take and interest and do not overstay your welcome.
• Remember: they have a new life now. 

I have discovered the potential for conflict is especially probable when the mother is too attached to her son or the son’s wife is nervous about marriage or parenting.

Are you close with your son or daughter-in-law? Do you think it’s up to the mother-in-law to welcome the new husband or wife into the family? Or are these kinds of relationships are two-way street?