Gender equality in sport: what it's really all about

Let's make it an even playing field for both men and women. Photo: Getty

I’m an avid television sports watcher. I love my sport. I love the way it unites people; for example the recent Winter Olympics in South Korea went a long way in uniting both Koreas — so we are told. Sport in Australia does likewise, so we are told.

Nowadays, I can watch women play cricket and even AFL football on nation-wide TV. Yet another new era of male-female equality appears to be dawning. I’m so excited about this newfound phase, or should I call it a fad, that I recently decided to make every effort to join my local women’s synchronised swimming team.

I must confess, I may need a little more exercise, but I’m a good swimmer. I even have my Bronze Medallion in Lifesaving. I know I’ll be a great asset to the team. I love swimming very much and now I’ll be able to finally fulfil my secret and long-held fantasy of becoming a member of a female synchronised swimming team.

I’ve already purchased a lovely tight-fitting frilly Speedo swimsuit. I’m aware that I’ve become a little overweight lately: probably due to watching too much sport on TV, but fortunately the extra kilos are all in the right places. My man-boobs have become just as firm and large as the breasts of many of the other women in the team. I should fit in perfectly.

I’ve also bought a plain yellow swimming cap. I’m not too keen on the flowery ones the other team members wear. I will be emblazing my plain swimming cap with XXXX — a code for my favourite beer. To be honest I simply hate flower patterns. Don’t worry, I will only draw a few Xs at first and as the team gets accustomed to it, I’ll quietly add more.

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I’ve already shaved myself down in eager readiness. Ouch! And I’ve also found my old nose plug, although it’s a bit tight-fitting.

I’m so excited to be a part of this new movement to dissolve the gaps and boundaries that separate men from women. Finally, we can all be just like each other — neither male nor female, neither masculine nor feminine, neither black nor white: but instead a pale dull grey neuter somewhere in the middle. And finally, and more importantly, I get to express my feminine self openly.

I noticed my local community netball team is also recruiting new members. I love netball too. I’m a good basketball player as well, so I’m going to put in my application to join tomorrow. I’ll let you know how I get on.

I hope to see you in the pool sometime and let me show you how my underwater pirouettes are progressing. I have my mind set on the Tokyo Olympics.

Please join me everyone, and together let’s create a new colourless world of genderless equality, political correctness, neutered mind-sets, gender-confusion, mediocracy and judgement.

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Yes, it’s a big step for me and I feel, an even bigger step for mankind, sorry — humankind.

But is it a big step forward or backward?

What do you think about this issue? Is gender equality something that can be achieved?

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