Farewell, but never goodbye

"Several times you just about swore to assure me that you would let me know what it is like where you went."


‘Quantum entanglement means that two particles become inextricably linked so that whatever happens to one will automatically affect the other, no matter how far apart they are.’

Does this describe our relationship Vilma?

Since you died two years ago dear soul mate, you have been in my life even more than when you were alive:

‘See You!

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You died dear soul mate, so let us celebrate

Your entering realms where you can generate

Sweet love for the living souls

Burdened by the Earth’s toils. 
I look into the Void and see your bright eyes

And the sweetest of smiles lighting up the skies;

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You surround me with gentle embrace

And fill my heart with abundant grace.

We take off on a cosmic cruise

To distant planes which ooze and fuse

With might and sound and translucent light,

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Magic music that makes the spheres bright,

Morphing into milliard mirages, we laugh and cry through our voyages

Into the loony Void’s own Luna Park; innocent and playful in the dark

And light infinite space

Where angel flutes set the pace.

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Then I come back and you ascend

But first you shower and send

Your loving mate zillions of kisses and warm and soft tears

To humour and move me through my remaining years,

Till I may join you in the infinite realm

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Where the Spirit rules solely from a splendid helm.

Where there’s only the eternal embrace

That enfolds the Earth with astounding grace!

Your body is gone but not your presence

I keep being nourished by your essence,

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Your contented peace that dispels my worries

Riding the merry-go-round as time hurries

Faster with every year till the end of my life

But I am less and less phased by its endless strife,

Trying to love my neighbour as you loved me

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Till we’ll glide tandem in the eternal sea.’

At last the magpies replied to my whistling, imitating their song, for the first time.

I pick up the phone to share the good news with you Vilma. I am about to dial your number when I realise: you are no longer on this number. I put the phone down wishing I knew your new number.

If you only gave it to me.

Why are you holding back?

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You promised, you would contact.

Several times you just about swore to assure me that you would let me know what it is like where you went. Well, what is it like?

Will you tell me? I talk to you in my mind, nearly every day but alas it is a totally one sided conversation. Will you at least give me a sign about yourself? My mother did, several times, after she went. I kept bumping my head into things and every time I did, I was convinced it was a sign from her, as if telling me:

‘Hey, I am still around and stop being angry with me.’

Yes, it took me a while to achieve this. When she went, I was so angry. I was crying out loud:

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‘I lost my mother, without ever having had one.’

What I was complaining about was, that my mother and I never seemed to have come to know each other intimately.

I wish I could have accepted her as she was. Now I do, alas she is already gone. Yet, it was my positive experience with you Vilma that helped me to come to terms with her belatedly.

Because it was so different with you. The moment I met you, twenty one year my senior, we became friends, as if we had known each other for a long time. But you were not only a friend, you were also the continuation of my mother. As if I was able to take up with her from where I left off. This time we both, listening to each other. It was always easy to talk to you Vilma. You always had time, you always listened, understood and you were interested. And you shared with me so much about what you had learnt through your long life.    

So Vilma, I hold you to your promise. Talk to me, or at least send me your new phone number.

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You are no longer on the phone?

And I no longer have to ring you?

Then how do we communicate?

Through my heart?

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Right, but will you answer me?


That you don’t have to do that either?

Because I shall know your answers?

That’s true Vilma. After all we had been intimate friends for over twenty years. Eventually, I could predict your answers. It helped that since you started to approach 90, sometimes you repeated yourself over and over again, without you ever noticing it.

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But it was so great to hear from you as you told me with excitement at least ten times over a period of time, on every occasion as freshly as if it was the first time, that:

‘You know my angel, I am very grateful. I wake up in the morning and it is so quiet around me. There is peace. No wars like overseas. I am lacking in nothing. I thank God for my daily bread.

And I even manage to save some of my pension. I love my housing department unit. Every morning my pigeon is waiting for me cooing outside for a feed. I open my balcony door and the sun floods it. She gets her bread crumbs. But the other pigeons come too. I hush them away. They make too much mass on the floor.

Then I make my morning coffee. I sit down at my kitchen table and I read my daily message from the Bible.

It is always relevant.

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I thank God for my good fortune.

I look at the wild flowers in the grass. Each is so little, yet different and miraculously perfect…

But I must say, when I wake up in the morning, I love to laze for a while in bed. What a wonderful luxury to stay in bed as long as I like! Though I feel a bit guilty. I should be getting up, but so enjoy staying longer in bed.

It did not use to be like that when I was young with three boys. I often did not know from one day to the other if we’ll have anything to eat. But, thank God, we always found something. Gábor sometimes said: ‘Mum, I am so hungry.’

 I replied:

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‘Just wait my sweet one, God will provide. And you know, my angel, God always did.’

Yes, Vilma, I am glad that you took me in among the saints of your pantheon. It felt very special to be addressed as your ‘angel’, or as your ‘gold’.

Well, the specialty lost a bit of its gloss, when being at your place once I overheard your phone conversations. I discovered that you called everyone your angel and your gold. But then it was still wonderful to witness how you, in fact, did see everyone as your ‘gold’ and angel.

Well, where are you now, my angel?

Have you met up with your Saviour?

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You so much wanted to and I am sure you did.

I see you looking down from high up there, smiling on us saying:

‘Well, my angels, it’s all wonderful up here.

But you know, my gold, I am a bit detached from the Earth now.

I have other matters to attend to, up here.

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So, take care and enjoy every minute, till we meet again.

See you angels!’

Read more: Farewell, but never goodbye: The second part

Do you still talk to the loved ones you’ve lost?