Satire: ‘I’ll never concede, for I am the Chosen One!’

Nov 12, 2020
Andris puts a satirical spin on what a Trump concession speech might sound like. Source: Getty

My enemies have committed the ultimate treason: they are swindling me out of power! But they’ll never succeed. I am the Chosen One, that’s why they want to crucify me.

Can you even begin to understand my pain now? The devastation of being cheated out of the absolute power I was gathering? The White House was slowly becoming my own home, to be re-named as the Trump Manor. I want to install my private golf course in front of the building.

When I told my followers that I’d be re-elected as their president not only for the next term, but at least for 12 years, they loved the idea. After all, if the little rocket man of North Korea, Putin and Xi Jinping can be presidents for life, why shouldn’t I? Because we are a democracy? No problem. My Supreme Court will see to it.

What? That this is autocracy, you say? It’s a known (alternate) fact that the Perfect Specimen must protect the less perfect voters from themselves.

This is my mission: to create The Trumped States of America! My incredible greatness will make America great again, again!

So what, that nearly a quarter million of Americans died from the China virus? I survived gloriously! Of course, it’s my Superman genes! So what that it cost over $US100,000, plus an elite medical team to fix me? That is a drop in the ocean in comparison to my worth!

And so what, if I am a narcissist? Would you not be one too if you were born to rule with my incredible gifts? The universe needs me. All my power and glory! Can you even begin to get this?

They will prosecute me for every offence under the sun as soon as I leave the White House; offences which invite more prison terms than I can serve in my whole life. So, you see, the choice for me boils down to either a second presidential term or jail terms.

We know that at least 70 million Americans voted for my second term. My enemies claim that 75 millions voted against me. This is impossible.

I said from the beginning the only way I can lose this election is if it is rigged. I have lost the election. Therefore the election had to be rigged! If you count the legal votes, I easily won. If you count the illegal votes, I lost. So remember, the only legal votes are the ones that are for me. All the rest I hereby decree illegal.

They say, there is no evidence for election vote rigging. But the evidence is that I am not declared the winner! Look at my election rallies. They were much bigger now than before my first victory! People kept screaming, “I love you”.

No one in the world is loved by as many people as I. They all recognise me as the Chosen One! Because I am. I chose myself, even if the whole world rejects me.

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What do you think Trump's real concession speech will sound like?

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