Satire: ‘My enemies sided with Satan, but fear not, I will prevail!’

Nov 26, 2020
Andris pens a satirical take on Donald Trump's reaction to the US election. Source: Getty

My first coming was a triumph, but then my enemies sided with Satan and crucified me!

However, destiny did not order me to come, see, conquer and then just disappear. It’s not for me to let down mankind. Especially not the white men with blue eyes and blond hair!

Oh, how long you just had to stand back and stand by. But no more!

I must say, for a few days lately, I felt as if I was dead; forsaken. All those white women who let me down … Never mind that I promised jobs for their husbands and protected their manicured suburbs from the underlings!

I heard myself still begging them: “Will you please like? Or, at least visit me in jail?’

And what about all those blacks who abandoned me! Yet I did more for them than anyone!

For three days, as if my crown of thorns still intact, as if my wounds still weeping, I lay in the tomb in my Whites’ House, because of you, fickle America; you, who uplifted me first but then tried to finish me off!

Have you forgotten about the resurrection and the second coming? Repent all you faithless! Rejoice now! I am back with a vengeance!

I forgive you, for you knew not what you were doing. But I do. I love my enemies. I will love you to death!

Why else would I have allowed the modern day locust plague, the China virus, to spread? It’s a blessing from God! The survival of the fittest, the richest, is the key to my Heaven on Earth that I inherited from Father.

Look at the glorious way I survived my infection. I am now fitter than ever! Covid-19 is no match to Trump’s eternal life. I trumped America forever! No one on Earth can take her away from me.

So, here’s my plan: I will resume my mass rallies. They will make Billy Graham’s crusades look pale! Ever-swelling crowds and roaring chants will reverberate across the United States. Let my followers become outraged about how the Democrats, with their fake media, are trying to rob me of victory. Let the Republican senators echo and amplify this! Let there be huge marches demanding election justice.

If Democrats counter-protest, send in the National Guard to restore my law and order.

Shift the public opinion to the conviction that, given all the complaints and unrest, the election must have been rigged against me.

Keep flooding the courts with an enormous number of election fraud claims against the Democrats. This will delay and prevent the certification of the election results until December 14 when the 538 member electoral college will have to elect a president.

Put maximum pressure on the states to select Republicans as their delegates to the electoral college. Without certified election results they will elect me, not Biden. If needed, bring in the Supreme Court to hand me victory.

With God on my side, who can be against me?

The will of the people can’t trump mine! At last, they will cry out loud: “Thy will be done!”

Well, this was the plan. It depended on my Russian friend Putin installing for me Venezuelan ex-president Hugo Chavez’s fail-proof election win vote-tallying system. But alas, the China money must have persuaded Venezuela to provide the system for Beijing Joe.

And now Biden is edging closer to usurping my office by the day. Even Fox News turned on me!

Where is the miracle I’ve been waiting for? God, why hast Thou forsaken me?

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