Satire: ‘A review of the dysfunction and disaster that is the American President’

Aug 23, 2020
US president Donald Trump. Source: Getty Images

Friends, Americans, Countrymen! Lend me your ears! I call on you, as your Wartime President, to take up arms on my behalf!

China declared war on us. They want to destroy me. They attack us with the China virus, cheered by the do-nothing-Democrats and the fake media.

They hate me for making America great again. They scared you into giving up work, ruined the economy and then they blamed me for it to stop me from being re-elected.
Americans, wake up, see though their games!

This virus is a hoax. China, the fake media and the Democrats are spreading it. They attack to intimidate and kill you.

Are you going to take this lying down or will you fight back? Are you patriots, or losers? Are you willing to go back to work now to make America great again and die for me if need be?

I know you can do it. Just make sure you drink your disinfectants.*

There is not a moment to waste! The election is around the corner!

Remember, I am the greatest president in the United States’ history. You can’t afford to lose me. I am a stable genius with unmatched wisdom.

If I knew Shakespeare, I would quote you what he wrote about me: “I am constant as the Northern Star of whose true-fixed and resting quality, there is no fellow in the firmament.”

Some people say I am a narcissist. Of course I am! Wouldn’t you be if you had my greatness? Of course you would. You would be aware of what an amazing gift you are to the world! And that’s what I am. I am simply the ‘bestest’!

Some ask, why do you brag about this all the time? Because my greatness simply stuns me! It’s unbelievable! I mean, how could ordinary people even begin to understand how great I am? That’s why I must remind them all the time!

I operate by my instinct, which by the way, yes you guessed it, is the best in the world. I don’t need facts. I just lick my fingertip, hold it out into the wind and bingo, I can predict anything. For example, in March I predicted that by Easter we would all get together to celebrate. Then at Easter, I revealed I knew it all along, coronavirus is the most vicious pandemic.

Now my instinct tells me that everyone should just go back to work. The experts scream: “Not yet! You’ll make the pandemic worse!”

This may be true. But if people don’t go back to work, I am sure to lose the election. And what could be worse than that?

So a few hundred thousand people die in the process. Isn’t it all worth it if the greatest president in global history, me, gets re-elected?

For if I am not, there’ll be a mother of all civil wars in the US. It will finally resolve the unfinished business of the first civil war. All the Undesirables will be purged.

I want to stop another civil war from breaking out. If I don’t win, all hell will break loose. That’s why the public should ensure that I win. I mean, I don’t want to sound threatening, but my supporters, and rightly so, would not allow the catastrophe of my defeat to occur.

It could only happen if China, the fake media and the Democrats rig the elections. And no decent people would let them get away with it.

Let Rome burn if I get defeated. That would be the least they deserve!

*Warning: Don’t even think of it!

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