‘Would my younger self be so eager to get older if she knew what was going to happen?’

Jun 04, 2021
Mary writes about all the things she's experienced as she's got older. Do they really stack up to her 27-year-old self's expectations? Source: Getty Image / Stock Photo

Boy, it sure sucks being 27! I have nothing to show for it, except for maybe some student debt, and this crummy job. I can’t wait to get older. How long will it be before I start seeing just a little bit of grey in my hair? That’s proof of living isn’t it?

While I’m at it, how about some crow’s feet? All my years of laughter should be rewarded. A smooth face shows nothing!

I want to grow a muffin top, just to prove that I’ve enjoyed living. Isn’t that what life is all about?

When menopause is just up the street, that will be so cool! I can finally get rid of this awful period, and the hassle that goes with it. So what if I have a dry vagina, at least I won’t have to deal with those monthly leakage problems or having to insert that tampon.

Hot flashes and night sweats? Great! In the winter I won’t have to turn the heater on. I can handle that!

A little bit of brain fog? Big deal. I don’t want to remember all that shit I’ve already gone through anyway. So what if I forget a few other things along the way.

I mean, it’s probably safer for everyone if I can’t find my car keys, because I also can’t remember where I laid my glasses. Did I really have something important to do today? Probably not.

What about my teeth? A crown sounds so divine. I can pretend I’m royalty.

Yeah, who wants to be able to eat anything? That’s so expensive. I look forward to making my diet a little bit bland. That will lower my food bills and then I won’t have to wonder where everything is in the store or why they moved things around again since the last time I was there.

Eventually, I’ll have even more grey! Some people might actually think that I am wise. Because at 27, I don’t have anything to offer in the way of wisdom.

Of course, if my hair gets a little bit thinner, it’s also less trouble. I’ll have more time in the day to do other things right? Like count the leaves on the trees for instance.

I can’t wait to get older! People will revel at the crinkles my face, looking like I need a good fling with an iron. Finally I can sit back for hours and enjoy all those television ads in the morning about bladder leakage and walk-in tubs. I can watch meaningful advertising that really speaks to my soul.

I can’t wait to get older, so bring it on!

What about getting older did you look forward to as a child? How are you finding getting older now?

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