‘Would my younger self be so eager to get older if she knew what was going to happen?’

Boy, it sure sucks being 27! I have nothing to show for it, except for maybe some student debt, and this crummy job. I can’t wait to get older. How long will it be before I start seeing just a little bit of grey in my hair? That’s proof of living isn’t it?

While I’m at it, how about some crow’s feet? All my years of laughter should be rewarded. A smooth face shows nothing!

I want to grow a muffin top, just to prove that I’ve enjoyed living. Isn’t that what life is all about?

When menopause is just up the street, that will be so cool! I can finally get rid of this awful period, and the hassle that goes with it. So what if I have a dry vagina, at least I won’t have to deal with those monthly leakage problems or having to insert that tampon.

Hot flashes and night sweats? Great! In the winter I won’t have to turn the heater on. I can handle that!

A little bit of brain fog? Big deal. I don’t want to remember all that shit I’ve already gone through anyway. So what if I forget a few other things along the way.

I mean, it’s probably safer for everyone if I can’t find my car keys, because I also can’t remember where I laid my glasses. Did I really have something important to do today? Probably not.

What about my teeth? A crown sounds so divine. I can pretend I’m royalty.

Yeah, who wants to be able to eat anything? That’s so expensive. I look forward to making my diet a little bit bland. That will lower my food bills and then I won’t have to wonder where everything is in the store or why they moved things around again since the last time I was there.

Eventually, I’ll have even more grey! Some people might actually think that I am wise. Because at 27, I don’t have anything to offer in the way of wisdom.

Of course, if my hair gets a little bit thinner, it’s also less trouble. I’ll have more time in the day to do other things right? Like count the leaves on the trees for instance.

I can’t wait to get older! People will revel at the crinkles my face, looking like I need a good fling with an iron. Finally I can sit back for hours and enjoy all those television ads in the morning about bladder leakage and walk-in tubs. I can watch meaningful advertising that really speaks to my soul.

I can’t wait to get older, so bring it on!