‘I’ve changed: Coming to terms with my body’s transformation’

Who is that in the mirror? Oh no, it’s me! I still feel I’m 21 on the inside, but on the outside, I look a little different.

I’m not too far away from my college weight, but my flesh has relocated to different places now. It’s like the sand has shifted on the beach. Once I was a sandcastle. Now I am random mounds of dirt.

There are other things I’ve noticed, too.

My once-athletic butt seems to have moved to my stomach area. It’s as if my rear end has switched sides. The only thing missing is the crack.

My eyes are drooping. When I had my passport picture taken recently, they told me not to smile, so there I was, looking like I was off to prison, or like I had to put my dog down. A smile lifts everything from the neck up, but not your boobs. But smiles are no longer allowed with a passport picture. Hence, my eyes look like downward slats on a house.

My voice is lower. I am now officially a tenor. If I listen to notable singers over the years, all of their voices deepened and got more raspy. Joni Mitchell went from being a soprano who could break a wine glass to sounding like she was an animal grovelling for truffles.

My ears are getting bigger. Pretty soon I will look like Dumbo at Disneyland. Would larger ears help me hear better? Probably not.

My knees are now like rusty door hinges. They could use a little bit of WD-40 if that was an option, but that smells too much.

According to my dentist, my teeth are shifting. My bottom teeth have never been straight because no one has straight bottom teeth unless they have a bridge or implants. But now I notice that they are even more crooked than ever. Is it from years of talking too much? Possibly.

My hair seems to stick out to the side for no apparent reason. It’s as if it’s made a left turn from my head and wants to go somewhere else, kind of like a hand signal from the left side of a car. My mother’s used to do this as well so I guess it’s just an inherited trait.

What happened to my eyelashes? I’ve never been one to wear much makeup because I have too many allergies, but the other day I noticed my eyelashes seem to have disappeared. Perhaps they’ll show up inside my nostrils? Time will tell.

I can’t wear lots of shoes anymore. High heels? Forget about it. Between bunions and hammertoes, that’s out of the question. I’m not wearing Velcro shoes yet, but that’s probably just a matter of time.

What’s with these dizzy spells? I used to just get up from bed and go about my business. Now I have to get up in stages so vertigo doesn’t kick in. Maybe I’m should star in a remake of that Hitchcock movie?

I also used to be able to do five things at once. Now, thoughts are like dishes on a conveyor belt going into the kitchen. Once the thought has passed, it evaporates. I’ll remember the thought at 3am when insomnia kicks in.