While most adults will still seek advice from their parents from time to time, our spouse is usually the first point of call. However, for one woman in the US, this isn’t the case, revealing she’s on the brink of divorce because her husband “insists on running to his mummy for everything”.
The woman, who wrote under the name “Ready for Divorce” reached out to the Chicago Tribune‘s ‘Ask Amy’ advice column, explaining the man doesn’t consult her for any decisions, instead turning to his mum for advice.
“Dear Amy,” the woman begins. “My husband isn’t capable of speaking with ME about decisions in our marriage and insists on running to his mummy for everything.
“Instead of planning events that he and I could attend, he has to ask his mummy. Instead of speaking to me about what’s going on in his life, it has to be mummy.”
The woman continues to say she’s been with her husband for eight years and married for six, asking if she’s wrong for feeling like she’s “being treated as an outsider in [her] own marriage.”
“I cannot stand his constant need for his mummy’s input into OUR marriage,” she said. “His mum is great but doesn’t live with us, help with our kids, or pay our bills. I’ve brought it up in the past but I’m ‘crazy’ (in his words), and honestly I’m beginning to feel crazy in my marriage.”
Amy responds to the letter saying she completely agrees that the man shouldn’t be discussing their personal affairs with his mum, before discussing them with her, but says the woman’s “belittling” behaviour isn’t helping.
“I completely agree with you that your husband should not discuss private matters or plans for the future with his mother before discussing them with you,” she replied. “When he chooses to communicate with his mother instead of with you, he is essentially partnering with her.”
“However, as long as you belittle both him and his (‘great’) mother with this snide ‘mummy’ language instead of treating both of them as adults you are actually reinforcing the immature behaviour.”
Amy continues to say her husband’s behaviour is a classic example of being defensive but says the woman needs to take a look at her communication style and ensure her husband knows she wants to fight for their relationship.
“Your husband’s reaction to you is a classic and unacceptable defensive posture. He is not only denying your right to react to his behaviour, but he is offending you in the process,” she said.
“No matter the conflict — whether it’s how to load the dishwasher or how to claim your rightful space as your husband’s primary partner — you could perhaps start to nudge the narrative in a different direction if you looked at your own communication style.”