A man who loves mystery plays takes his place in the theatre for opening night, but his seat is way back, far from the stage. The man calls an usher over and whispers: “I just love a good mystery and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I’ll give you a handsome tip”.
The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the window and snatches it up.
Returning to the man in the back of the theatre, he whispers: “Follow me”. The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle.
“Thanks so much,” says the theatre goer. “This seat is perfect.” He then hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers: “The butler did it in the parlour with the candlestick”.
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play day. “Mummy,” the little girl asks. “How old are you?”
“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied. “It’s not polite.”
“Okay,” the little girl says. “What colour was your hair two years ago?”
“Now really, those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”
Undaunted, the little girl asks: “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”
“That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
“My mum won’t tell me anything about herself,” the little girl says to her friend.
“Well,” says the friend. “All you need to do is look at her driver’s licence. It’s like our report cards, it has everything on it.”
Later that night the little girl says to her mother: “I know how old you are. You are 32”.
The mother is surprised and asks: “How did you find that out?”
“I also know that you used to have brown hair.”
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. “How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?”
“And,” the little girl says triumphantly. “I also know why you and daddy got a divorce.”
“Oh really,” says the mother. “Why?”
“It’s all on your driver’s licence, and you got an ‘F’ in sex.”
One late night, a husband had a terrible, stuffy head cold and yet was talkative.
The wife was exhausted and wanted to sleep.
He said: “I am so stuffed up, if I closed my mouth, I would choke”.
The wife replied: “It’s a risk I am willing to take!”
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