Who is to blame when it comes to cheating?

Earlier this week, Donald Trump ruffled feathers when he declared that his opponent Hillary Clinton was to blame for her

Earlier this week, Donald Trump ruffled feathers when he declared that his opponent Hillary Clinton was to blame for her husbands affair all those years ago.

Speaking to a stadium filled with thousands of people, Trump triumphantly told his supporters that Hillary was a “nasty” woman and an “enabler” of her husbands infidelity.

He blamed her for Bill’s indiscretions and said that Hillary “hurt many women” by staying with him and not setting a good example by leaving.

While his words were met with scoffs from many people, they raised an interesting question: who is to blame when it comes to cheating?

The first instinct is usually to blame the cheater; after all they are the ones who lied, deceived and broke their vows. Why wouldn’t we blame them?

There are some though who take a different approach, saying it takes two to tango and that people are only driven to cheat because their partner is not giving them something they need.

Indeed, many people have said their partners tried to blame them for their cheating when the affair was finally uncovered.

Speaking anonymously on The Experience Project, one woman said she confronted her husband after finding out he had been cheating for months only to have him turn around and tell her that it was all her fault.

“He keeps telling me to get over it, gets raging mad at me when I break down about it or even if I mention it, and otherwise treats me pretty horrible,” she said.

“He says all of our problems are because of me, because I can’t get over it and just trust him. He tells me that it was my fault he cheated. I don’t know what I did wrong.”

Her story received dozens of replies from women who said the same thing had happened to them.

It wasn’t just their cheating partners who blamed them either.

It was their friends and family who said they were “too demanding” or “too uptight”; some even said it was their fault because they didn’t have sex with their husbands often enough.

These kinds of stories seem to be all too common these days, with cheaters trying to wiggle their way out of their lies by shoving the blame onto their partners instead.

Even psychologist can’t seem to reach an agreement on the issue.

Dr Sheri Meyers, who wrote Chatting or Cheating, says that while the cheater is mostly to blame, the other partner should also take a “serious look” at themselves to see why their partner might have been driven to cheat in the first place.

“Since a relationship is the creation of what two people put into it, when cheating happens, both partners must take a serious look at their own responsibility and contribution to the downfall of their closeness,” she said.

While some say this is a fair argument, others say it’s ridiculous.

“Your partner’s words of blame are self-serving and selfish,” said marriage and family therapist Abe Kass.

“Either he or she is trying to get you to feel guilty so you won’t want to talk about the affair which essentially “shuts you up” and makes dealing with infidelity impossible or he or she does not have the strength of character to accept responsibility and then struggle with the feelings of guilt and shame for what he or she has done.”

For those who do try to work through their issues and forgive their partner for cheating, there are all kinds of obstacles to overcome.

Sometimes they are perceived as weak for staying in the marriage and not breaking it off and going out on their own. Others are accused of staying in the relationship for money or convenience.

This is a whole new level of blame they have to deal with and one which many people say is completely unfair.

Whatever the reason for cheating or staying, it looks like there is no clear answer as to what is right and what is wrong.

What are your thoughts on this issue?

Is the cheater always to blame? Or should both people shoulder some of the blame?

  1. [email protected]  

    Both people. It happened to me. I thought he was to blame for the cheating but I wasn’t treating him like a boyfriend. You have to look at both sides.

    • Mary  

      Treating him like a boyfriend!!!!! Not treating him like a friend isn’t good but if an adult-age man needs to be treated like a boy, he has big problems.

  2. Pauline Miles  

    If you are not getting what you need from a relationship ,then end that relationship before getting involved with someone else. It is the ultimate betrayal of trust if you think you can have it both ways. Both deceitful & disrespectful.

  3. Joan Marshall  

    Before you even think of marrying someone have you looked for the basics like trust, respect, consideration, a fair few interests in common?Often we do. not, then when a husband cheats or a wife cheats we are aghast. Too many couples look for physical attributes and money not the quality of the person. Are people learning from mistakes made in youth? Most people do not but make another mistake by marrying a second time when the marriage breaks down instead of giving themselves time to heal and look for quality.

  4. My ex cheated on me after about 20/21 years of marriage – and what I thought was a really good marriage, as did all our friends and family!!!! We had counseling and stayed together for 4 years, I kept his affair to myself and so had no-one to talk to about it, consequently I became quite ill and was diagnosed with Crohns (turned out later to be severe IBS)… I blame him totally and blame all cheaters; the responsibility Iies within them to be honest and open with their other half if something isn’t sitting well with them…. If they can’t do that then grow a set of balls, leave the relationship and then look for another partner….. I also never blamed the other woman, yes she knew my hubby (and Me) but he was the one who lied & deceived ME; people can’t be STOLEN; they have to be willing to cheat!!!!

  5. Ultimately the person doing the cheating must be to blame. However, mitigating considerations may be a breakdown in the sexual or emotional relationship. If people do not get what they need and want in a relationship, many obviously look for it somewhere else.

  6. Suzy  

    Well all comments very interesting .I was married for nearly 37 yrs .I left my husband due to his controlling financially and emotional abuse .He would treat me terrible and then expect Sex and when he didn’t get it he would sulk and treat me badly .You can’t blame a partner be pause you don’t know what they have been through

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