I have a monster within me that consumes my everyday. I cannot stop it from coming out at every turn and I don’t know what to do.
It was just the other day that, at 67, I realised that the green-eyed monster was having a profound effect on my life. I have been jealous of everyone I know for as long as I can remember but it wasn’t until my daughter made me open my own green eyes that I was truly able to see what it was doing to my life…now I just have to figure out what to do.
I was telling my daughter about how I wanted to have a nicer home for her and her partner to visit when I started to get upset. I said to her “But don’t you think [partner’s mother] is so lucky?” whilst crying like a baby. She said sternly, “Get a hold of yourself and don’t be so pathetic”. Then she said, “No, I don’t look at anyone and compare what they have to what I have…it’s not right”. How is it that my 30-year-old daughter was able to tell me this advice yet I couldn’t ever give her that example in her life? I’m proud that she’s turned out to be such a well-rounded person despite how emotional I can be. She also told me that I can’t look at other people with green eyes and I knew she was right. But when I see my ex husband giving his new wife all the things she wants in the world without her having to work at all for it, I get upset. I see people my age going away on holidays while I live alone with nothing. I wonder if this is what I deserve for letting other peoples’ lives control my own.
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I wonder if other people are like me and have a searing jealousy that runs through them. I wonder if other people feel as isolated in their jealousy as I do. I compare myself to my children who are both in the medical field – one a paediatrician and the other a nurse. They are fabulously intelligent but I’m really not. I wish I had a second chance to live my life over and say no to the things I didn’t want to do. I’m jealous that they are so in control of their lives and I’ve let it all unravel. I look at my daughter’s partner’s mother with her beautiful cars and a boat and live vicariously through them. I know it’s not right but sometimes I think they don’t deserve that happiness. I work my arse off and yet I get nothing.
So I really don’t know what to do. How can I get rid of the green-eyed monster? How can I start afresh or is it too late to start now? I just want to have all the nice things and don’t understand why others have it.