Relationships

Anxious wife worries how to discuss retirement planning with husband

May 10, 2018

A woman is worried about regrets she has ahead of retirement.

An “anxious” wife has sparked debate after revealing she’s finding it difficult to discuss her retirement plans with her husband, claiming until now, he has “dictated” her life.

The woman admitted she hasn’t managed to fulfil any of her own dreams for her life, and took to grand-parenting forum Gransnet to plead for advice from others on how to broach the subject and be honest about her regrets – but the request got some unexpected responses.

Asking if anyone had sat down with their spouse to discuss when the main breadwinner would retire, or if they’d felt able to express their views, she wrote: “My husband is due to retire in a few years and I am getting more and more anxious. I realise I haven’t had any (not one actually) of my hopes and ideas for the future realised because his career (and he) dictated so much of our lives.”

Despite trying to bring the conversation up several times, she admitted she always struggles to be honest with her partner, and said she’s beginning to get very concerned as their pension is no longer guaranteed.

“He has always lived in the moment, now with retirement a few years away and because of job loss a few years ago which resulted in no pension from that job, its really making me very concerned,” she added.

While some people sympathised and said they had similar concerns, others expressed surprise that she felt so worried about talking about such a big issue with her husband.

One wrote: “I may be wrong but sounds like you have never had much of a say in anything so far? I don’t think you can hope for anything to change in retirement tbh unless you start planning your own life in the way you want it.”

Meanwhile one commented: “Maybe you are one of those women (it’s usually women) who never liked to burden your husband with your hopes, dreams and goals. You always deferred to him from the sounds of things, and his career dictated what happened to you.”

Offering their own stories, one woman said she’d ensured she was always open with her husband throughout their marriage, which had worked well for them so far. Another shared her personal experience, revealing that her ex husband had been in the army, and she’d happily followed him around letting his job dictate her own life.

However, when it came time for him to retire, she said he “never once mentioned his famous army career again, or ever mentioned his job at all. We’d all made so many sacrifices for something that meant virtually nothing to him. He started a lawn care business and that was that”.

More users recommended the woman find her own work or promotion at an existing job, while another even admitted her own mother had wanted her husband to pass away before her, so she’d be able to enjoy her own life and friendships without worrying about him. In the end, that hadn’t happened.

“As the years passed into old age she became quite lonely as she had never been allowed to develop any interests or friendships of her own,” she added, before saying: “Good luck.”

Elsewhere, a user said her and her partner had created spreadsheets and planned their retirement for years, but when it came down to it, they moved several times, didn’t like a lot of the hobbies they thought they would, and only after 10 years did they settle on a regime. She concluded: “Heaven knows where we would have been if we didn’t talk about it.”