Four life long friends were sitting out in a boat enjoying the sunshine and fishing.
The first guy piped up, “There is no place I’d rather be right now. This is perfect. You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
“That is nothing,” the second guy said, “I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”
Laughing the third man shared “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to fish when they realised that the fourth man had not said a word. So the first guy asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What happened?”
The fourth guy just smirked and said “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said ‘Fishing or Sex’ and she said ‘Wear sun-block.’”
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a supermarket. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half.
The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager, and so he walked into the back room and said, “There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.” As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.”
The manager okayed the request, and the man went on his way. Later on, the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?”
The boy replied, “New Zealand, sir.”
“Oh, really? Why did you leave New Zealand?” inquired the manager.
The boy replied, “They’re all just sheep shaggers and footy players there.”
“My wife is from New Zealand”, exclaimed the manager.
The boy instantly replied, “Really! What team did she play for?”