Three guys die and go to heaven. St Peter says, “Listen — we’re managing admissions tightly since we’re having a really busy century. Right now we can only admit people who have died in horrible fashions, and those who have died in a more mundane way will have to wait in limbo, and it could take a decade or two to work you in.”
So St Peter takes aside the first man, and asks him how he died.
“Well, I’d been suspicious of my wife having an affair for some time now, so today I came home from work early. I just knew the guy was in my apartment, but I couldn’t find him. I looked everywhere and was just about to give up, when I went out on the balcony of my 23rd story apartment and there he was hanging over the edge! He was just barely hanging on, there was no way he could climb back onto the balcony. It was a really stupid place to try to hide. I was livid, so I started punching him and clawing at his fingers, but he held on. Finally, I went to get a hammer and started pounding on his fingers, and he fell down. But what really angered me was that he landed in some bushes and fell to the ground dazed, but basically okay! I was so mad I grabbed the refrigerator, threw it off the balcony and it landed on him. Unfortunately I was so riled up by the incident I had a heart attack and died.”
St Peter was taken aback, and says, “While you did die in a dramatic fashion, I think we need to look at that whole second degree murder before we let you in — off to limbo with you.”
He then approached the second man and asked him how he had died.
“I was riding my exercise bike on the balcony of my 24th story apartment, when the thing broke and threw me over the railing! I grabbed furiously at the railing and slipped, but managed to catch on the balcony below mine. I tried to climb up but it just wasn’t possible. I thought I was going to fall but then someone came out on the balcony. I thought he would help me, until he started hitting me! I held on as best I could, but when he got a hammer and started hitting me I finally couldn’t hold on anymore and fell. Somehow, though, I fell in some bushes and fell to the ground dazed, but basically okay! Just as I’m coming around, I look up and BAM this refrigerator lands on me. So here I am.”
St Peter immediately admitted this second man to heaven, and pulled aside the third man and asked him for his story.
“Picture this: I’m hiding naked in a refrigerator…”