Picture a stand-up comedian on stage, any of them because they’ve all made the jokes. As they go into their routine, this joke appears in one form or another “What’s the cure for too much sex? Marriage”. The crowd tends to laugh in the “that’s so true” manner and everyone move on. But it is true? Are you just perpetuating a stereotype that doesn’t exist?
The idea that you keep up the same rate of intimacy as you did when your relationship first started doesn’t bear comparing to your relationship now. It’s the idea that over the years of being together that the woman’s desire drops and man is constantly rejected. It could all be a cultural misunderstanding that is keeping the stereotype alive.
A recent study suggests that men are simply misreading their partner’s desires as non-interest. The study suggests that the longer into the relationship two people go, the more the man believes that he has to peruse intimacy. The strange side effect in the couples that the study looked at is the more gestures that men performed to try to achieve intimacy the more the woman felt secure in the relationship and stopped giving clearer signals.
It might seem like a hopeless situation, but it can easily be solved with a conversation about your desires with your partner. There may even be the need to establish understood physical or verbal cues that there is the desire so that an opportunity isn’t missed.
The study also showed that the fear of rejection is another thing that can keep the intimacy levels down in a long term relationship. This affects both parties as most relationships fell that they can’t be overly blunt about the topic so they make subtle hints keep the rejection fear at bay. Unfortunately, these hints can be so subtle that the partner barely registers them.
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What is there to do about it?
Talking should be the first step in any relationship. Your partner is the person that you can share anything with so share this. If you feel that there isn’t enough intimacy in the relationship you need to speak up and talk to them about it. Instigate the conversation but make sure that you are not just sharing your needs but listening to theirs. You may come to understand each other a lot more.
Bridle your expectations
There are going to be people that have a low sex drive. It’s perfectly normal. On the flip side, it’s also perfectly normal for some to have a high sex drive. It’s about coming to a happy medium. For some couples that is a few times a week and for other couples it’s once a month. There is no need to compare your relationship with anyone else that is deemed “the norm” because all relationships are different.
Seek medical advice
Maybe the thing holding back the intimacy is a medical condition. This can be some issues including hormonal issues, erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, or a combination of a few. Perhaps you or your partner are embarrassed to talk about them, but you needn’t suffer as there are experts that are more than happy to help.
Being intimate is more than just a physical act, it’s an emotional and mental one. If you are missing one of the key ingredients in your intimacy, it’s better to talk about it now than feel rejected.
What advice would you give to someone who felt the spark was gone from their relationship? Have you gone through a similar situation?