John Demartini: What does moving forward look like after loss?

Issues such as grief are something we all deal with differently. Now, John Demartini, who is a human behavioural specialist, has shared his professional opinions for dealing with grief with Starts at 60 – and his tips for coping may seem direct.

Q: How can people best deal with the loss of a partner or loved one?

There’s many different ways of looking at it, but I’m pretty direct about it. The first thing I do is identify what specific trait, action, inaction or behaviour you admired in the person.

Once you’ve identified this, it’s a matter of finding other people in your life who have those behaviours. Commonly, other people around you start to emerge with behaviours that you once saw in this individual.

Q: How can people return to ‘normal’ after they’ve lost a loved one?

Any time you see all the positives and not the negatives … you’re unconscious of the downsides. Nobody has one side. If someone is grieving the loss of somebody it’s because of an elevated view of them and that’s not grounded. We have to have a balanced view and respect people for who they are. If somebody comes up to you and puts you on a pedestal, it’s awkward and you don’t feel you can live up to the pressure. If people respect you as a human being, it balances it. You’re able to be yourself, and people want to be loved for who they are, not the fantasy we make of them.

Q: How long is ‘normal’ for people to grieve the loss of a loved one and is it bad to actually hold onto this grief?

The grieving process can be as fast as you want it to be. I can take people through the grieving process in two hours. It’s not how long, it’s how quick you see the balance. If you’re willing to do that immediately, you can do it really quickly.

They used to think up until the 80s and 90s that grieving was good. There’s absolutely no biological benefit from long-term grief. It actually causes cardiovascular issues and all kinds of health symptoms.

If you have a question for Starts at 60’s health experts, email it to [email protected].

IMPORTANT LEGAL INFO This article is of a general nature and FYI only, because it doesn’t take into account your personal health requirements or existing medical conditions. That means it’s not personalised health advice and shouldn’t be relied upon as if it is. Before making a health-related decision, you should work out if the info is appropriate for your situation and get professional medical advice.