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Hilarious and inappropriate one-liners from Church newsletters
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By Starts at 60 WritersIn NewsOn Saturday 3rd Feb, 2018

Hilarious and inappropriate one-liners from Church newsletters

Have you ever listened to or read a Church bulletin and thought that the wording was ironically funny? Well, here are some hilarious lines that were in newsletters or read out at the end of service.

  • The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
  • Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  • The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’The sermon tonight:’Searching for Jesus.’
  • Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
  • Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
  • Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  • For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  • Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
  • The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
  • Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5PM – prayer and medication to follow.
  • The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  • This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
  • The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
  • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM . Please use the back door.
  • The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  • And this one just about sums them all up… The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours”
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