Time to retire! Let’s party… We have to plan this next step thoroughly. For a really unforgettable party, we need food, drinks, party games, prizes, gift bags and speeches. Time for a light-hearted party planner. This party theme is, ‘Grow old disgracefully!’ with attitude!
First, as the guests arrive, there is a prize at the door — a free Lipitor. That’s for everyone’s cholesterol levels. A stitch in time, as the saying goes. A real treat is the Mylanta martinis, with Imodium ice cubes. Constipation is always a grey’s consternation.
Ooh, look, serving savouries with senna. Everyone is now racing to the loo, in world record time. This party is a gas! Yes, we’ve cured their constipation. Relief is contagious. But wait! We could only afford plain label toilet paper, retirees must learn to slash their spending and exist on a budget.
Our guests look a bit uncomfortable, but it’s sing-a-long. ‘V A C A T I O N’ and ‘Little Old Lady from Pasadena’ flood the airwaves. Loud volume, of course, deafness is a hidden surprise for the all of us as we age.
Party games! Yes — Smash the Alarm Clock. Everyone has a chance here. Bits of old clock end up all over the room, with a souvenir hammer for the newly retired. Then it is speedy drag racing with zimmer walking frames, hired from the pharmacy. Time to catch our breath, with Carpet Bingo! We have marked a grid on the carpet with masking tape. If you can sit down and stand up unaided, you yell “Bingo!”, and win a cardiac pill. Plus a free photo of dentures. Then the highlight of games gala for the retirement party. Spin the Mylanta bottle. The retiree kisses as many guests as they can, going at full throttle.
Following all this excitement, we need to catch our breath. We all require a notepad and paper, for the thrills of a retirement quiz. Here is question one (circle any answer):
1. How long have we all been talking about our retirement?
a. Since the day we started work
b. Since we turned 30
c. Every day.
Question two. This is a trick question (Circle any answer):
2.If we retire at age 62, 64, or 68 years old, how much percentage of the investment capital of our superannuation funds can we withdraw for annual cost of living expenses, in accordance with the increment of the cost of our retirement lifestyle?
a. What was the question?
In accordance with the theme of the retirement quiz, here is the presentation of our gift for the retiree, looking slightly embarrassed, a bit tired and emotional. In fact, all the guests are also looking tired and emotional. Those senna savouries are very moreish. Here it is, a large pot plant, adorned with money the guests have donated, for retirement funds. All the gifts are tied up in colourful ribbons. This is our ‘giving tree’. Our guest of honour appears duly impressed, and touched by our kind thoughts.
“Speech, speech!” Everyone raises their freshened Mylanta martinis, with Imodium ice cubes, as the retiree takes centre stage, ready to say farewell. One hour later, the retirement broken
record finally grinds to a halt. The guests have all checked their phones, and finished their texting.
The retiree concludes
“This is what I say to you,
You shall all grow old too,
Here’s a gift bag today,
Free fluid tablets, yah!
Let’s be Facebook friends too,
Now, I’ll meet you at the loo!”
It was the party to end all parties. Let’s party, and happy retirement!