‘Why older women can do more to support domestic violence victims’

The other day I was talking to a young woman who was a victim of domestic abuse. She told me she had left her husband — for the final time. I had much sympathy for this woman as she went on to tell me how she had tried before to leave and how he found her and dragged her back. I could relate to her as I too, many years ago, was a victim. I too tried to leave and as with the young woman, had several attempts. I tried to reassure her that it is not her fault and she does not deserve any of this. She told me that many friends and even family, tell her she needs to “just leave”.

I know there are probably many in our over-60s community who have been in similar situations. Many, like this young woman, would have tried to leave and many would not have been able to — at least the first time you tried. I’m sure you have been asked the same question, “why don’t you just leave?”

I am over-60 and what I have noticed in today’s world is that nothing much has changed when it comes to violence against women. Of course, the police have been given a little more power when it comes to the perpetrator, but I notice that so many judges seem content to slap the criminal on the wrist. And make no mistake, these men are criminals.

Restraining orders don’t work now and they did not work way back when … “Why don’t you just leave?” was the sentence of the day back then and still is now. To those who have been a victim or are still a victim, you know what I am talking about. First, your age is irrelevant. You can be 16 or 60 and it can be happening to you. You could be a neighbour, friend or relative.

What most victims have in common is they feel nobody wants to know. Nobody seems to want to help or can help and some don’t believe you or are convinced it’s your fault. I would say that every victim is asked the dreaded question of “why you don’t just leave?”

I know a woman who is 60-something and she is being abused by her long-time husband. I’m sure some reading this are suffering too. You will have told someone, you will have left and there are others hoping it gets better. None deserve to be abused. It is never your fault.

All my adult life, the fact I was abused has influenced me in some way. It is the reason I think or act a certain way. It is the reason I perhaps overreact to certain things and here to tell you that it is the reason I hate that bloody question. Being a victim of domestic violence does not show you how to leave. It is the hardest thing a victim will ever have to do. There are some men out there who thrive on manipulation and insight fear into a woman like you need to experience to believe. There are those who will cajole, beg and promise never to do it again and those who will threaten you, your children and your family. There are women who get out, only to be dragged back again and again.

The reason I am writing this is because we, the older generation, need to stand up for those who are asked the question. We need to let them know they are not alone, no matter who they are or what age they are. We need to let those who dare to ask that question, that they need to stop asking and start helping. We are the ‘older generation’. This is our chance to show we care, because if we don’t, the lives of the victims will be changed forever.

If you are concerned about domestic and family violence in your family, friends or workplace, contact the National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service on 1800 737 732, Mensline Australia on 1300 789 978, Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277 or Lifeline Australia on 13 11 14 for confidential support, advice and referral that will help you explore your options.