‘The pearls of wisdom I’d offer today’s newlyweds’

Ah, a wedding invitation. Isn’t this romantic, true love! Happy nuptials, with a posh reception to follow. Oh gawd, I shall have to frock up and shut up. My first thought, as an older, much wiser woman, “Stay out of that church, dumb b***h, you’ll end up a right old witch!” Can’t say that. It is the voice of experience.

Still the loving couple might have a long, happy, golden life, and remain happily married for 50years. They might glide through life’s ups and downs, standing by each other, to enjoy forever love.

That is the theory. I gaze at the invite, and put pen to paper. I write some pearls of wisdom from the ageing. In other words, a bridal guide for younger people. Should I send them a copy?

First sage advice to bridal babes. Always keep your jobs and qualifications up to date. The current divorce rate in Australia is around 2 per cent per 1,000 people. Forty-eight per cent of divorces involve children. Women getting married today never know if they shall have to support themselves and their offspring. With some mates you cannot relate. If you can, keep a separate getaway fund, just for you, never to be shared with your husband. Just in case. Teach your future daughters and grand-daughters the same thing.

Another pearl of wisdom from the ageing is never listen when it is bourbon talking. It is not a woman’s job to save a drunk, leave him to it. Very sage, experience is a great teacher.

A practical pearl of wisdom would be to always sort the bill for your roadside assist. Aim to have home assist as well. Car bingles and issues are a bother. Home assist is good when the loo blocks up on a Sunday morning. Weekend plumbers are very expensive.

I am sure all shall be well though. I frock up, smile up, present a nice little cash gift, all in the modern mode of a wedding. Advice for the new husband, kissing his bride. “She is a woman. What does she want? She doesn’t know, but she wants it now!”

“And where are the happy couple heading off to on their honeymoon? Bali? How delightful!” Yes, a final pearl of wisdom as I toss confetti. “Don’t take your drugs to Bali, newlyweds, or you won’t be coming home!” (Have to live in the real world).

Those were some pearls of wisdom from an ageing witch, my bridal guide for the young and optimistic.

What bits of advice were you given when you got married? What pearls of wisdom would you have for a newly married couple?

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